JokesPageHeader
     
Wednesday Oct 14 2009

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

The big story out of Washington is the healthcare bill passed the Senate Finance Committee by a vote of 14-9. The bill costs over $800 billion . . . and that's just what lobbyists had to give to members of Congress.

The good news is we’ll probably have some kind of improvement in our healthcare system. The bad news is, it won’t be in our lifetime.

The Fox News White House correspondent, a man named Major Garrett, has the swine flu. And President Obama has ordered Fox News quarantined. For up to five years.

Of course, Republicans still can't believe that Barack Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize. But then Democrats can’t believe that Sarah Palin wrote a book.

Conan

Today in Los Angeles we experienced our second day in a row of rain. Or as people here call it, “the Apocalypse.”

Last night, the White House hosted a tribute to Latin music, and President Obama wiggled his hips a little on the dance floor. At which point a committee in Sweden immediately awarded him a Latin Grammy.

Some of the celebrities at the White House Latin Music Night included Gloria Estefan, George Lopez, Eva Longoria, and Jose Feliciano. Apparently, it was much more fun than last year’s party which was just President Bush and Dora the Explorer.

A top adviser to President Obama says that the most important interactions the president has with Joe Biden happen when no one else is around. Obama also says that the best interactions with Biden happen when Biden isn’t around.

Late Show with David Letterman

Cold today here in New York City. So cold, Sen. John McCain’s teeth were chattering . . . on his nightstand.

Bernie Madoff got into a fight in prison. So they’ve got him on a diet of bread and water . . . like his investors.

Martha Stewart had the same problem in prison. She got into a fight. Someone had swiped her nutmeg.

The healthcare bill passed the Senate Finance Committee: 14 yea; 8 nay; and 1 “You lie!”

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Signs Your Toddler Watches Too Much Television

10.
He's got a satelite dish on his crib
9.
Wants Neil Patrick Harris to host his birthday party
8.
Can count to 10/9 central
7.
At bedtime, asks you to read him the Nielsen Ratings
6.
Instead of security blanket, clutches a ShamWow
5.
Keeps wanting to know why grandpa "got canceled"
4.
He weighs 135 pounds
3.
Thinks the capital of Montana is Hannah
2.
Constantly implores you to have your pet spayed or neutered
1.
Constantly implores you to have your pet spayed or neutered
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

It’s raining here in L.A. If we get washed out, the women will just use their fake breasts as flotation devices.

When it rains here, people go nuts. They’re already too busy to drive because they’re putting on their makeup, texting, and getting liposuction.

I think I like the rain. I like to see everyone miserable.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

It’s been raining here in L.A., and no one seems to know what to do about it. On Monday night, it rained and there were 186 car accidents. It’s like it’s raining tequila right into our mouths.

A little rain and we all turn into Lindsay Lohan. One hybrid car with a vanity plate that read “treedom” was actually crushed by a tree from the excess rain. It was an irony tree.

The Obamas held what they called a “Fiesta Latina” and a performer, Thalia, encouraged el president to salsa with her. Michelle Obama didn’t seemed pleased at all. So much for the Nobel Peace Prize.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Yesterday the Democrats' healthcare bill made it past the Senate Finance Committee in a 14-9 vote. Republican Sen. Olympia Snowe broke ranks with her party and voted for the Democrats' healthcare bill. She’s been missing ever since.

The bill easily made it through the committee with a vote of 9-14. Or as Roman Polanski calls it, the perfect age range.

Even though the Democrats’ healthcare bill was passed, President Obama said that now is “not the time to pat ourselves on the back.” Mostly because you might tear a muscle.

 
Email:
 
Retype Email:
 
Country:
 
Zip Code:
Your e-mail address and personal information is confidential as stated in our Privacy Policy.
 

Newsmax, Moneynews, and Independent. American. are registered trademarks of Newsmax Media, Inc. Newsmax TV, NewsmaxWorld, NewsmaxHealth, are trademarks of Newsmax Media, Inc.

 
NEWSMAX.COM
America's News Page
©  Newsmax Media, Inc.
All Rights Reserved