Wednesday Mar 16 2011

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Surprisingly, March Madness is not that big in the Middle East. Because they have April Madness, May Madness, June Madness, and more.

Al-Qaida has now launched a woman's magazine that will have everything from fashion to terror advice. Unfortunately, women are not allowed to read it.

According to Shop Smart magazine, the average American woman owns 17 pairs of shoes, none of which go with the new outfit she just bought. What are the odds?

Life expectancy in the U.S. has risen to a new record of 78.2 years. The bad news is, the average age a person has to work to before they can retire is now 78.3 years.



Late Show with David Letterman

St. Patrick’s Day is coming. What better way to honor Ireland’s greatest saint than by sitting on the curb and vomiting into a green plastic hat.

Last year, I drank an entire bottle of green beer. It turned out to be Scope.

You can tell it’s spring in New York City because the carjackers come in through the sunroof.

I saw a lady in Central Park feeding the squirrels — to her pit bull.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Ways I, David Letterman, Will Celebrate St. Patrick's Day

Dye my hairpiece green
Sit alone in my office until cleaning guy calls me a cab
Illegal fireworks — the perfect accessory for every holiday!
Eat a bar of Irish Spring soap
Drinking, screaming, fighting, vomiting — just like any other day at the “Late Show”
Get chased down street by a bunch of drunks shouting, "There he is, get him!"
No No. 4 — writer started "celebrating" early
Save money on green beer by drinking a bottle of Scope — hey, wasn't that in the monologue?
Chase the rats out of the Ed Sullivan Theater
Duh, drinking!
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

According to a legend, St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. It made him a hero to everyone in Ireland except the one guy that made his living as a snake charmer.

For St. Patrick’s Day, New York has green fireworks, Boston lights up the skyline with green lights, and in Los Angeles, we have green cocaine.

L.A. celebrates many different ethnic holidays: Cinco de Mayo, Chinese New Year, and All Kardashian Eve.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Charlie Sheen is expanding his live tour. If you only get to see one live stage show featuring a man suffering from an undiagnosed psychiatric disorder this year, this is the one to see.

I don’t know if New Yorkers are going to pay to see someone raving about being a warlock with tiger blood. They can see that any time.

A very wealthy coal baron in northern China just bought a dog for $1.5 million — which is like $10 million in people money.

While that may have been a lot of money to pay for a dog, they say it was delicious.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Charlie Sheen is apparently moving into a house next door to Paris Hilton. Cops are thrilled. Now they only have to send one car.

President Obama went on ESPN to announce his NCAA tournament picks. Or, as Japan put it, “Really?”

A Tibetan mastiff puppy was sold in China for a million dollars. It’s a lot of money, but it also includes an appetizer and dessert.

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