Tuesday Mar 15 2011

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Singer George Michael told a judge this week that he deserved to go to jail for his behavior as a celebrity. To which Lindsay Lohan said, "Will you shut up? You'll ruin it for everybody.”

Lindsay asked the judge if she could be excused from court this Thursday because of what she called "the holiest day of the year:" St. Patrick’s Day.

You can sit down and eat inside some grocery stores now. How fat are we getting in this country? We can't even wait until we get home now. We’re just ripping into the bags in the aisle.

The day after daylight-saving time is supposed to be the worst day of the year for car accidents, because the lower sun in the sky makes it hard for people to read their tweets while driving.



Late Show with David Letterman

There may be no football season because the players have been locked out. In a related story, Rex Ryan was locked out of an Olive Garden.

Can you imagine a year without professional football? It’s like living in Detroit.

March Madness begins on St. Patrick’s Day. Finally, an excuse for college kids to drink.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Reasons To Buy The iPad 2

Special microchip makes it obsolete 50 percent faster
Apple will sell it to you for $100 if you tell them Dave sent you
So thin you can use it to chop vegetables
Comes with a camera on the front, one on the back, and one in the neighbor's shower
This is off topic, but who buys tickets to see a live Charlie Sheen show?
New app which makes any room smell like biscuits
No No. 4 — writer still in line for an iPad 2
Isn't it about time you did something for you?
Instead of a touch screen, it has a lick screen
In this economy, who doesn't have 600 bucks to throw around?
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

The world is celebrating one of its greatest institutions. It’s Fabio’s birthday.

One of the politicians that attacked Julius Caeser was named Marcus Junius Brutus. Most people know him by his shorter name, JWoww.

Most people think Caesar’s last words were “Et tu, Brute?” But his last words, after being stabbed 50 times, were “Ouch.”

Shakespeare just made stuff up and people started to believe it was true. He was like a 16th-century Fox News.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Charlie Sheen says he’s planning to sue Warner Brothers and CBS. They’re responding by giving him a movie deal for “Major League 3.”

I really hope Charlie will win an Oscar because that would be the greatest acceptance speech ever.

The chief executive of a major chicken company said an extended NFL lockout could have a devastating effect on the chicken industry. Chickens may have to keep their limbs.

Snooki from “Jersey Shore” is wrestling now. Somehow she found her way out of an exclusive Wimbledon contract.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Officials in Florida found two pounds of marijuana hidden inside a shipment of peanut butter. And that’s not including the marijuana they found that made them dig through crates of peanut butter in the first place.

Al-Qaida recently launched its own women’s magazine. I bought a copy, and I’ll tell you right now that those ankles are totally airbrushed.

This weekend is the annual World Clown Convention in New York City. You should see the traffic out there — there’s like, one car.

A recent survey found that the world’s most typical person is a 28-year-old Chinese man. Which explains the new way to refer to a typical guy: “Just your average Cho.”

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