Monday Mar 14 2011

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner




Late Show with David Letterman

I forgot to set my clock forward, so a lot of these jokes may not be funny for another hour.

The NFL and the players’ union are having a lot of trouble agreeing on things. One thing they do agree on is that the Super Bowl halftime show has got to be better.

Al-Qaida is now publishing a magazine for women. They already have one for men, called “Car Bomb and Driver.”

The Pillsbury Doughboy is 51 years old. Two years ago, he lost all of his dough to Bernie Madoff.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Things You Can Expect In Charlie Sheen's One-Man Show

One-man show, and a five-man emergency medical team
Knife fight
A guy falling off stage dressed as Spider-Man
Eighty percent of the audience: undercover DEA agents
Critics giving it two and a half stars
Balloons for the kids
Scary machete juggling
Duh . . . nothing
Two hours of complete and utter nonsense
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

I’ve got a new tie. And by “new,” I mean I stole it from the soap operas downstairs.

The critics can be very tough on actors when they do a bad job on Shakespeare — like Mel Gibson.

Don’t confuse a pantomime with a mime. Pantomime is an age-old British theater tradition. A “mime” is a French dude you punch at the mall.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

I hate daylight saving time. I hate springing forward a lot more than I like falling back, which is the story of my life.

“Spider-Man the Musical” has been delayed for the sixth time. They’re working to address the main problem, which is the fact that they made a musical about Spider-Man.

Charlie Sheen is going to do live stage shows in Detroit and Chicago. Charlie says a dollar from every ticket will go to the Red Cross for the Japanese earthquake. Every other dollar will go to hookers.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

It’s the beginning of March Madness. Of course, if you’re Charlie Sheen you got a three-week head start.

President Obama said he was always getting in trouble when he was in middle school. In fact, Obama said he talked so much during class, the teacher had to take away his teleprompter.

A new study found that stress and hard work can actually lead to a longer life. Or as the Kardashians are reporting it, “Please pray for us.”

It’s estimated that more than 600,000 iPad 2s were sold this weekend. The lines were so long that by the time I got to the front they were selling the iPad 7.

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