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Friday Mar 04 2011

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Mexican President Calderon told President Obama that the United States must do more to reduce the demand for drugs. Obama said, “We got Charlie Sheen off cocaine. What more do you want us to do?”

Texas Gov. Rick Perry referred to the Mexican city of Juarez as the most dangerous city in America. In his defense, he probably just thought it was an American city because there were so many Mexicans there.

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has sold his 1977 Peugeot 504 for 2.5 million at an auction. It even came with the phone books he has to sit on to drive it.

Women who drink are less likely to be obese than women who do not drink. All this time, you’ve been on Jenny Craig while you should have been on Johnny Walker.

Late Show with David Letterman

Rerun

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Some of Justin Bieber’s hair was auctioned online for $40,000. The winning bidder wasn’t identified — because I didn’t want to be identified.

If I had $40,000 for hair, I would have spent it on new lighting for this show.

Lindsay Lohan’s brother is dropping his last name because he feels like it has become an albatross around his neck — which means Lindsay’s going to steal it.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Rerun

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Panasonic is coming out with a new camera that can brighten your teeth, remove dark circles, make your eyes bigger, and make your cheeks rosier. When she heard about it, Heidi Montag said, “I could’ve just bought a camera?”

A man in West Virginia was arrested for planting explosives in his yard to scare away cats. He was charged with three counts of being from West Virginia.

A new survey found that women spend eight years of their lives going shopping. Which means men spend eight years of their lives on a bench outside Anne Taylor at the mall.

The Mexican president was in town and said he wants more American tourists to visit his country. Which explains their new tourism slogan: “Mexico. Come to us or we’ll come to you.”

 
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