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Friday Oct 16 2009

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Halloween’s coming. Kids get very imaginative in my neighborhood. Last year, three kids showed up as Goldman Sachs executives and demanded 4.5 billion pieces of candy.

The governor of California’s wife, Maria Shriver, was photographed violating the law by talking on her cell phone while she was driving. I read about it on my BlackBerry while riding into work on my motorcycle.

A new study shows that the phrase most often uttered by President Obama is, “Let me be clear.” The phrase he uses least often? “Let me be specific.”

Obama was in New Orleans helping out the victims of Katrina. At one point he was asked, “What do you think of ‘The Big Easy’?” He said, “Oh I just call it the Nobel Peace Prize.”

Conan

Yesterday in New Orleans, a little boy asked President Obama, “Why do people hate you?” Then the little boy turned to Joe Biden and said, “I know why people hate you.”

Liberal activists are accusing President Obama of being too slow to appoint new judges. They claim that the only new judges appointed during the Obama presidency are Sonia Sotomayor and Ellen DeGeneres.

Police say they have found a skeleton near the Six Flags Magic Mountain theme park. A Six Flags official said, “That’s what happens when you don’t buy a FastPass.”

In Pennsylvania, police arrested a man inside of a convenience store after they noticed he had a bag of marijuana stuck to his forehead. The guy was relieved because he’d been trying to find his pot for two days.

Late Show with David Letterman

I love fall. You can really tell the seasons are changing. That thing on Donald trump’s head is starting to get its winter coat.

Halloween’s coming. The big mask this year is the Bernie Madoff mask. Or if you don’t want to spend the money, you can dress up as a tramp and go as one of his investors.

If you get the Bernie Madoff mask, you can bet your kid will come home with 50 billion Tootsie Rolls.

On this date in 1867, Russia gave Alaska to the United States. Here’s an interesting thought: If Alaska was still part of Russia, could Sarah Plain wave to herself?

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Signs You've Received A Bad Flu Shot

10.
Looks and tastes like A-1 Steak Sauce
9.
Before injecting you, doctor asks, "Regular or unleaded?"
8.
Now that you think of it, it's a little weird that the doctor's office was on the D train
7.
You're shaking like a Mexican washing machine
6.
Instead of the CDC, it's recommended by GMC
5.
Every time you sneeze, your nose falls off
4.
Doctor claims he made it from freshly squeezed hogs
3.
Nurse sterilizes needle with her whiskey sour
2.
Went in for flu shot, ended up with a frozen, severed head next to Ted Williams
1.
You find this Top Ten list amusing
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Rerun

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Rerun

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Yesterday at a town hall meeting in New Orleans, President Obama said that he would rebuild the Louisiana coast, and the crowd cheered “Yes we can! Yes we can!” Then Obama said that he would fix the economy, and the crowd was like, “Not so sure! Not so sure!”

Happy Birthday to Angela Lansbury. She turned 84 today. She celebrated at a party until one of her friends was murdered.

A new survey found that the average man cries six times a year. That number would be a lot lower if it weren’t for Glenn Beck.

 
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