Wednesday Mar 02 2011

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Charlie Sheen is on every show, except the one he should be on: “Celebrity Rehab.”

Between Charlie Sheen, Christina Aguilera, and Lindsay Lohan, it’s been a rough time for stars. Who knew Britney Spears would be the role model?

The man who shot Robert Kennedy, Sirhan Sirhan, said he should be released from jail because he can’t remember committing the crime. Then Lindsay Lohan said, “What necklace?”

Officials in Shanghai, China, have begun enforcing a one-dog policy. Each person can only have one dog. But if you’re still hungry, you can have cake and whatever else.


Moammar Gadhafi gave a rambling speech that lasted nearly three hours. So now we know where all of Charlie Sheen’s cocaine went.

Oprah has been invited by Egypt’s new government to do a show from Cairo. So they’ve replaced one power-mad tyrant who’s been ruling for 30 years with another one.

The Senate has sent President Obama a spending bill that gives the government enough money to keep going for two weeks. Our Congress has the financial planning skills of a college sophomore.

Late Show with David Letterman

There are reports that Moammar Gadhafi’s son plagiarized his doctoral thesis. You think you know somebody.

The U.N. is imposing a no-fly zone over Libya. Forget Libya, how about a no-fly zone over the Hello Deli?

Someone in New York City got into a cab, attacked the driver, stole the cab, and then crashed it into a pole. Charlie, Charlie, Charlie.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Ways The Oprah Winfrey Network Can Boost Its Ratings

Introduce new show "Two and a Half Stedmans"
Each week, Dr. Oz gives one lucky viewer the colonoscopy of their dreams
Reality series about a German guy named Lars
Every Friday, a lottery to become Oprah's next half-sister
Wait . . . there's an Oprah Winfrey Network?
24 hours a day of Marv Albert's wild and wacky bloopers
More bull riding
Game show in which viewers pick food out of Dr. Phil's moustache
Cage fighting in the "Oprahgon"
Yeah, like I have any business telling anyone how to make their television show better
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Someone finally defeated IBM’s Watson on “Jeopardy!” Take that, robots.

Happy Independence Day to Texas. For 9 years, Texas was its own country. I think Texans still consider themselves another country.

The show “Walker: Texas Ranger” never made sense to me. In a state where everyone carries a gun, he’s a ranger armed with only karate.

I like the song “All My Ex’es Live in Texas,” but there should be a sequel: “All My Ex-spouses Own My Houses.”

Jimmy Kimmel Live

This is our 1,500th show. To put that in perspective, it only takes 11 episodes to choose a winner on “American Idol.”

Charlie Sheen is also celebrating an anniversary. It’s his 1,500th interview for the week.

Charlie created a Twitter account to fill the gap between saying crazy things on television with saying crazy things online.

Charlie’s two sons are now in the care of their mother in a safer place: Libya.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Charlie Sheen told E! News that he plans to release his own fragrance. It combines the delightful aromas of sweat, cigarettes, and denial.

The iPad 2 was unveiled today, and it features two cameras. It’s great for people who love using their iPads in public, because now you can actually film everyone rolling their eyes at you.

A man in New Orleans wrote a new musical about Hurricane Katrina. It’s so cool that FEMA says it plans on going to see it a week after it closes.

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