Monday Feb 28 2011

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

The price of gas here was up to $4.50. When I started pumping, it was only $3.85.

Everyone is saying we have to take control of Moammar Gadhafi. We can’t even control Charlie Sheen.

Charlie Sheen says that his show will be back and that he’s a man of his word. I believe that word is “crack.”

Over the weekend, Charlie passed a drug test. There were no drugs in his blood or urine. Apparently it was all still stuck in his nose.


People complained that the Oscars were too dull. They’ve already named the hosts for next year: Charlie Sheen and Moammar Gadhafi.

Several TV critics claimed that James Franco was high while hosting the Oscars. At least somebody enjoyed the show.

Charlie Sheen’s publicist resigned. I’m really excited to see what Charlie is like now that he can say whatever he wants.

The last U.S. veteran from World War I has died at the age of 110. His last words were, “James Franco is high.”

Late Show with David Letterman

“King Kong” opened 78 years ago. It’s the story of a woman that gets carried away by an ape. The same thing happened to Maria Shriver.

CBS has shut down Charlie Sheen’s show, “Two and a Half Men.” Now I’m back to being CBS’ No. 1 paid embarrassment.

Charlie Sheen says he will come back, but he wants a raise. At least he hasn’t lost his sense of humor.

The CBS commissary has named a sandwich after Charlie Sheen. It’s called a tuna meltdown.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

A town in Arkansas has had three earthquakes in under 24 hours. They think it could be due to removing waste water which is known as “fracking.” I don’t know what fracking is, but I sure enjoy saying it.

I thought the Oscars were supposed to be young and hip and I only saw all these old people. Then I realized I was watching “60 Minutes.”

They brought Billy Crystal out for three minutes in the middle of the Oscars. That’s like bringing Michael Jordan out in the middle of a kids’ basketball game.

I could never host the Oscars. Too many people watch it.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

There’s too much 3-D going on in theaters today. I miss 2-D. And come to think of it, I also miss Tootie from “The Facts of Life.”

“True Grit” should have been in the Best Foreign Film category because I couldn’t understand a thing Jeff Bridges said.

Charlie Sheen has officially gone crazy, and not just a little crazy. Even Gary Busey thinks he’s nuts.

Charlie Sheen wants an addition $1 million per episode for “Two and a Half Men.” That’s a bold move — after being fired, to ask for a million-dollar raise.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Christian Bale won the Best Supporting Actor award for playing a mentally unstable drug addict. Then Charlie Sheen said, “You can get an Oscar for that?”

Twitter was down for two hours on Saturday. It was terrible. I had to call random people in the phone book and tell them what I had for lunch.

A new study found that a small nuclear war could actually reverse the effects of global warming. I don’t want to sound selfish, but that sounds easier than going through my garbage.

The American Academy of Pediatrics has suggested that people under the age of 18 should be banned from tanning salons. Parents that take their kids to tanning salons should be banned from parenting.

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