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Friday Feb 25 2011

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

The price of gas is getting so high that a Beverly Hills gas station is selling it by the gram.

Lindsay Lohan is back in court. She has been there so many times, they’ve renamed her case “California vs. You Again?”

The latest rumor is that Moammar Gadhafi is calling other countries to find a place to live in exile. So far, only Chile has offered to rent out an empty mine.

On a rambling call to a TV station, Gadhafi ranted about his enemies and blamed others for his problems. He said he feels fine and is ready to go back to work. He’s now the Charlie Sheen of Libya.

Late Show with David Letterman

One of the Best Picture nominees this year is the movie “127 Hours.” It’s about last year’s Academy Awards show.

Watching the Academy Awards is a lot like riding on JetBlue. You sit there for four hours until the thing takes off.

The Oscar statue is about thirteen inches in height and weighs about 9 pounds. Oh wait, that’s Tom Cruise.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Questions To Ask Yourself Before Naming Your Baby 'Facebook'

10
"Should I sober up first?"
9
"Should we go with Facebook or Lindsay?"
8
"What about 'Twitter?’"
7
"Would I rather name her 'Surf 1977?’"
6
"Will her Facebook status always be, 'Hating Mom and Dad?’"
5
"Wait, there's a website called Facebook?"
4
"Forget this nonsense, where's the ‘Late Show’ Bear?"
3
"What if there's another 'Facebook' in her class?"
2
"Will Mark Zuckerberg pay for her therapy?"
1
"Is this still a better name than Hosni?"
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Justin Bieber’s 17th birthday is coming up. He says he’s going to spend the day sharing cheesecake with his grandma. It’s impossible to keep up with the slang these kids are using.

In Los Angeles, the Oscars are like a national holiday. Everyone spends the whole weekend putting on their mascara. And the women are even worse.

I think “True Grit” should win for Best Picture. It’s the only one I’ve seen.

I’m terrified of speaking in front of large numbers of people, which is why I do this show, where the numbers are limited.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Rerun

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

There's been a casting change for 2011. The role of Mel Gibson will now be played by Charlie Sheen.

A woman in New York celebrated her 105th birthday this week by gambling at a casino. It’s a little different than the way she usually gambles — by going to sleep.

Russia is close to classifying beer as an alcoholic drink instead of a food. Wait, beer is considered a food there? It must be amazing to hear, “Yeah I’ll have a vodka and . . . You know what, I don’t want to drink on an empty stomach. Give me two beers too.”

A man in Florida who was arrested this week listed his religion as “Redneck.” He even recited a prayer in the name of the father who’s also the son of the sister’s half-cousin.

 
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