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Thursday Feb 24 2011

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Moammar Gadhafi said that Libyan protesters were all on drugs, and then he blamed it on al-Qaida. Now, he’s saying it’s the fault of the teachers unions.

Gas is so expensive now that BP actually started inspecting their oil rigs.

The price of oil is rising because of all the unrest in the Middle East. And the unrest in Wisconsin is causing the price of cheese to go through the roof.

Congratulations to Rahm Emanuel on being elected mayor of Chicago. His first order of business after taking office will be to actually move to Chicago.

Conan

Libyan leader Moammar Gadhafi described President Obama as an African of Arab and Muslim descent. After the speech, Gadhafi was given his own show on Fox News.

Gadhafi said no sane person would join the protests against him. He then joined the protests against himself.

ABC did a big report on “ginger abuse,” a form of bullying aimed at people with red hair. Unfortunately, I missed it because my cameramen were giving me a wedgie.

Late Show with David Letterman

Jennifer Lopez broke down crying on “American Idol,” saying she “can’t do this anymore.” That’s what I say every night.

They were apparently real tears. Some people thought they weren’t, but she can’t act.

Larry King is doing a one-man show across the country. The bad news is that he’s the one man.

Hugh Hefner is getting married soon. She’s 24 and he’s 84, so it may be an open-casket wedding.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

The White House hosted a concert to celebrate the “Motown sound,” which featured Nick Jonas. Nothing says Motown like a Jonas brother.

The Canadian government has decided to let Randy Quaid and his wife stay in the country. The bad news is, we have to keep Alex Trebek.

The space shuttle Discovery took off from Cape Canaveral on its last mission. Like everything else in Florida, it’s at retirement age.

Richard Branson, founder of Virgin Airlines, has started Virgin Galactic, which will take ordinary people into space. By ordinary people, I mean people that can afford $200,000 a ticket.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

The Oscars will be held Sunday across the street from our studio. But that’s not the reason the audience tonight got a cavity search.

They’re making some changes to the Oscars this year. They’re going to have an “in rehab” montage as well as an “in memoriam” montage.

Natalie Portman is supposed to win Best Actress, but I’m worried about her because since 2010, every Best Actress winner’s husband has cheated on her with a tattooed Nazi stripper.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

This is our 400th episode. Only 600 more and I get a free Subway sandwich.

Sarah Palin is going to a political conference in India next month. Palin said she’s loved India ever since she saw “Hoosiers.”

Facebook has decided to ban a new app that sends you an e-mail when your crush becomes single. So you’ll just have to find out if they’re single the old-fashioned way: by clicking on their Facebook profile 30 or 40 times a day.

A new study shows that 50 percent of America’s dogs and cats are overweight. In fact, the other day when a mouse ran across my apartment, my cat just said “I really shouldn’t . . . ”

 
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