Monday Feb 21 2011

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner



Happy Presidents Day. Or, as it’s being called in the Middle East, Happy Overthrow Your Presidents Day.

Yemen’s president says that despite protests, he won’t leave office. His exact words were, “The Oscars are Sunday, I have a widescreen TV at the palace. You do the math.”

They’re calling the Middle East uprisings the “Jasmine Revolution.” Historians say it’s the first revolution that could double as a new scent of Febreze.

Texas is reportedly going to give college students the right to carry guns on campus. So I guess that next semester, every college student in Texas is getting straight A’s.

Late Show with David Letterman

They say President Lincoln once walked three miles to pay back a penny. That makes him the last president to do anything about the debt.

People in Libya want Moammar Gadhafi to leave. The problem is, he’ll be replaced by his idiot son, Moammar W. Gadhafi.

There’s a real threat to tyrants who have used brutal tactics to seize power. The one who should really be worried is Leno.

If Gov. Scott Walker is driven out of power in Wisconsin, there will be a power vacuum that may be filled by the Muslim Brotherhood.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Little-Known Facts About United States Presidents

William Howard Taft was so fat, he’s considered our 27th and 28th presidents
Teddy Roosevelt answered the phone, “Hellosevelt?”
The K in James K. Polk stood for Kanye
Like the cartoon cat, James A. Garfield loved lasagna and hated Mondays
To conserve energy when possible, Jimmy Carter would travel via pogo stick
During one of his fireside chats, FDR accidentally burned down the map room
John Tyler was the only president to work his way up from the mailroom
Zachary Taylor’s vice president was a cocker spaniel named Angus
Our only unmarried president, James Buchanan was fond of posing as his own first lady
George W. Bush was not born in the United States
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Happy Presidents Day. This is a day when we celebrate history by getting great deals on mattresses.

I’m glad we have a day for the presidents, but shouldn’t we have a day for Congress when the Senate and the House can kick back and not worry about getting anything done? Oh, wait.

A lot of people have Presidents Day off, especially people who work for the government, like postal workers — and investment bankers.

It’s not fun to be president. Half the country hates you and the other half is disappointed in you. I know exactly what that’s like.

Jimmy Kimmel Live


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