Thursday Feb 17 2011

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

A survey found that 61 percent of people are more afraid of outliving their money than dying. The other 39 percent have already outlived their money and have faked their own death to avoid creditors.

American kids who work more than 21 hours a week at a job are more likely to get bad grades. In China, they call a kid that works 21 hours a week “lazy.”

The Lakers lost to the Cavaliers. Even the Kardashian sisters won’t accept their phone calls now.

Watson the computer crushed the humans on “Jeopardy!” They say that with his knowledge base, bland disposition, and monotonous voice, he could one day replace Alex Trebek.


Donald Trump is considering a run for the presidency in 2012. He says he has a plan for reducing the deficit by combing the rest of our money over to hide it.

Last year, the Kardashian sisters made $65 million. Before you get upset, remember that 10 percent of that goes directly to Satan.

A man from Ohio is being called “the Amish Bernie Madoff” for swindling Amish families out of millions of dollars. People became suspicious when they saw his horse pulling a Lamborghini.

Late Show with David Letterman

Paris Hilton will be on the show. I made the mistake of trying to say hello to her earlier, and I have the taser burns to prove it.

It’s Paris’ birthday. Lindsay Lohan gave her a necklace to hold until the heat dies down.

A lot of stars come here to celebrate their birthdays. Madonna was here when she turned 70.

The Colombian military seized a submarine loaded with tons of cocaine. Oh, Charlie Sheen.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Other Ways To Make ‘Jeopardy!’ More Exciting

All responses phrased in the form of a profanity-laced rant
Change clue font from "Enchanted" to "Helvetica Bold"
Shift focus from trivia questions to Malaysian stick fighting
Contestants are paid in black market zoo animals
Tearful reunion between Alex Trebek and his mustache
Losers get sent to North Korean labor camp
Alex reads all clues with a mouthful of gravy fries
Replace theme song with "Hey Baby, Drop It to the Floor" by Pitbull with T-Pain
More questions about the strangest place contestants have made whoopee
Spalding buzzers
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

A computer beat the humans on “Jeopardy!” Experts say they haven’t seen two humans beaten this badly since yesterday’s “Jerry Springer.”

Never before has man been defeated by technology on a game show except for the time backstage on “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire” when Regis got his hand stuck in the soda machine.

You have to be smart to win on “Jeopardy!” It’s not like “Wheel of Fortune.” Those contestants could be beaten by an electric razor.

The computer may be smart, but will a machine ever be able to smell a flower or experience joy? And when I say Joy, I mean Joy Behar.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

President Obama was in San Francisco meeting with technology executives including Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg. The goal was to create new jobs to replace all the jobs lost as a result of everyone spending time at work on Facebook.

Obama also wants Zuckerberg to show him how to make Bo, the White House dog, his Facebook profile picture.

There may be only two more seasons of “Jersey Shore.” After that, I guess Snooki will go back to being an ottoman.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

New York City has gone 14 days without any measurable snowfall. Kids are back to making good old-fashioned garbage angels.

Paris Hilton revealed that she’s releasing a new album in a few months. Man, I can wait to hear that.

A man in Colorado dropped an engagement ring down a sewer drain while proposing to his girlfriend. Up until then, his romantic proposal atop a sewer was going so well.

A company in Japan is holding the world’s first marathon for robots. My money is on the robot from Kenya winning.

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