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Wednesday Feb 16 2011

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

It’s the 40th anniversary of the War on Drugs. Today, California surrendered.

Forty years since the War on Drugs began. This makes Charlie Sheen our most decorated veteran.

Experts say that what happened in Egypt proves that countries in the Middle East can move toward democracy without the U.S. invading them. George W. Bush said, “Now you tell me.”

Home Depot says they will hire 60,000 seasonal workers ahead of the home improvement season. Maybe now you’ll be able to find someone in the store that works there.

Conan

History was made at the Westminster dog show when one of the finalists was a dog from China. The dog listed his proudest accomplishment as not being eaten.

Big Bird appeared on Capitol Hill to appeal for more funding for PBS. Apparently, times are so bad for Big Bird that he had to rent his egg to Lady Gaga.

Borders has filed for bankruptcy. Now, creditors can’t collect debts from Borders, but they can duck in any time to use its bathroom.

A pizza parlor has been closed after police found more than $1 million in marijuana there. Police became suspicious when they promised delivery in 30 days or less.

Late Show with David Letterman

The military is now running Egypt. Well, that never goes wrong, does it?

Now that Hosni Mubarak is out of office, they’re saying he’s an old tyrant, decrepit, and out of touch. Oh wait, that’s me.

A Scottish Deerhound named “Hickory” won the Westminster dog show. It got a congratulatory call from Bo, the White House dog.

I was at the dog show. I haven’t seen that much tail-chasing since Eliot Spitzer.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Highlights Of Kim Jong Il's Birthday Celebration

10
Kim Jong Il's grand entrance inside an egg
9
Wings and video games at the Pyongyang Dave & Busters
8
Reunited Kim Jong Il with his three sons Robbie, Chip, and Ernie Jong Il
7
The birthday phone call from Dick Cheney
6
He's flying everyone in the country to Australia
5
Free breakfast from CAA in the 11th floor conference room
4
Kim Jong Il unveiled a brand new pair of oversized ladies sunglasses
3
Rousing rendition of "Happy Birthday" performed by starving dissidents held at gunpoint
2
Carvel cake in shape of torture box
1
Special Top Ten list presented by Lindsay Lohan
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Kim Jong Il just turned 70 years old — but he doesn’t look a day over crazy.

New York City is considered one of the four fashion capitals of the world, along with Paris, London, and Fresno.

Fashion week seems to be all about the young people, whether it’s the 19-year-olds modeling the clothes, the 24-year-olds designing the clothes, or the 12-year-old Chinese kids making the clothes.

I feel bad for the runway models. It’s a tough job walking, turning around, and walking back.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

It rained in Los Angeles. By the time I figured out how to work my wiper blades, it stopped.

Over the weekend, we’re supposed to get over a quarter inch of rain per day. Why is god doing this to us?

Everyone here gets excited when it rains. Half our staff came in today dressed like the Gorton’s fisherman.

Maybe it’s not raining at all. It could just be the tears of all the “American Idol” contestants who have been eliminated.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Watson, the IBM computer, beat his two human opponents by a long shot on “Jeopardy.” He’s already getting a little famous. In fact, he was just offered a million dollars to pose nude for Popular Mechanics.

Ark. Congressman Steve Womack has proposed getting rid of funding for President Obama’s teleprompter. When Obama finds out, he’s going to be speechless.

A new study found that married couples who go on double dates with other couples are more likely to have better relationships. They say it inspires better communication — on the ride home, when you talk about how much you hated the other couple.

A Bentley set a world record by going 205 miles per hour on ice. The record was set by a 78-year-old woman who kept honking and yelling “help!” out the window.

 
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