Tuesday Feb 15 2011

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Lindsay Lohan said she had plans to open her own jewelry store. Apparently she was getting inventory one piece at a time.

First lady Michelle Obama told "Regis & Kelly" she was expecting jewelry on Valentine's Day. She said it wouldn't be anything extravagant because Barack tends to be responsible when he's spending his own money.

Facebook is looking into buying Twitter for around $10 billion. If all goes as planned, the company hopes to combine the two companies, creating the biggest waste of time the world has ever seen.

Health officials in California are investigating claims that people were hospitalized after partying at the Playboy mansion last week. Luckily, Hugh Hefner was able to call an ambulance using his Life Alert.


Hundreds of thousands of protesters took to the streets in Iran. They were said to be inspired by the events in Egypt, and by Justin Bieber getting robbed at the Grammys.

Former Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak is thinking of moving to Los Angeles. Before you get him a roommate, just know that he’s really hard to evict.

NPR’s “This American Life” reported that they may have stumbled upon the secret ingredient to Coca-Cola. It turns out that it’s Pepsi.

Doctors are trying to figure out how 170 people became ill at a Playboy mansion party. So far, they’re leaning toward the hot tub.

Late Show with David Letterman

Protests are spreading around to Yemen, Algeria, Iran, and also last night’s audience.

Hosni Mubarak reportedly didn’t understand the Internet and social networking. That may be true, but somehow he figured out how to wire $80 billion to Switzerland.

On “Jeopardy,” one of the competitors is a computer. Every time they call on him, he says, “You’ve got mail.”

I knew machines were smarter than men when I saw Regis Philbin standing in front of a microwave, trying to get CNN.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Joy Philbin's Top Ten Things That Went Through My Mind When Regis Announced His Retirement From ‘Live!’

"He better be kidding"
"I don't remember giving him permission to quit"
"If he thinks he's going to be home all day, I better stock up on Advil and Kahlua"
"Does this mean I have to play Travel Trivia with him every morning?"
"I heard they caught him stealing makeup"
"So much for my one hour a day of peace and quiet"
"Kelly gets paid to chat with him every morning. Not me"
"If I put him in a wig and a dress maybe they'll hire him on 'The View'"
"God, why are you punishing me?"
"Couldn't he just keep phoning it in like Letterman?"
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

In Los Angeles, 170 people became violently ill at the Playboy mansion. Doctors don’t know what it was, but their theory is that Hugh Hefner’s robe fell open.

The Westminster dog show wrapped up in New York City. Congratulations to the winner — or perhaps, weiner.

Mount St. Helens has been rumbling, and it just had the biggest earthquake beneath it in 30 years. If that happened in L.A., it wouldn’t even tussle Justin Bieber’s hair.

The astronomer Johannes Kepler speculated that volcanoes are the earth’s tear ducts. It turns out that he was completely wrong.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

President Obama presented his budget for 2012, though they probably won’t get to it, as they still haven’t passed the budget for 2011.

Billy Ray Cyrus is worried about his daughter Miley, and claims that his family is under attack by Satan. I guess Miley isn’t the only one smoking salvia.

The Westminster Kennel Club dog show is taking place in New York. It’s the biggest event of the year for the canine world. In fact, it’s the only event of the year for the canine world.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Donald Trump said that he’s not a fan of George W. Bush because he “gave us Obama.” When he heard this, Bush was like, “Oh my gosh. I'm Obama's dad?”

Ronnie from “Jersey Shore” pleaded not guilty to punching a guy outside a nightclub back in 2009. Now he has to hope prosecutors don’t uncover that one piece of evidence: a hit TV show where he said “Hey, I just punched a guy outside a nightclub.”

A new study found that kids who work more than 20 hours a week at a job are more likely to get bad grades. On the other hand, China.

I heard that drug stores in New York have started selling do-it-yourself paternity kits. Or as most people are calling them, “Maury: The Home Game.”

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