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Thursday Feb 10 2011

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Egypt’s President Mubarak said that he will stay on "until the current crisis is resolved." He is the current crisis. That’s the whole problem.

We should have known that he wasn’t going to leave. It turns out Hosni Mubarak is an ancient Egyptian name that means “Brett Favre.”

Lindsay Lohan was in court and she wore a white mini dress. Lindsay claimed the white dress stood for "innocence" and "purity." Unfortunately, her jewelry stood for "felony" and "larceny."

If convicted, Lindsay could end up without a career or a job. You know where people like that usually wind up? “Dancing With the Stars.”

Conan

Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak said he will stay in power for six more months. That guy does not understand how Groundhog Day works.

Rep. Christopher Lee resigned after he was caught sending a shirtless photo of himself to a woman he met on Craigslist. On the bright side, he did manage to surprise his wife on Valentine’s Day.

People are saying Lindsay Lohan was dressed inappropriately for her court date, wearing a short, tight dress. She apologized to the judge and said next time, she’ll steal something more appropriate.

The NFL and the players’ union have canceled their contract negotiations, which could mean no NFL football for next season. Both sides agreed this is the only way to prevent another Black Eyed Peas halftime show.

Late Show with David Letterman

Lindsay Lohan had her fifth mug shot in four years. They say that if she stays healthy, she could beat Andy Dick’s record.

Rep. Christopher Lee resigned after sending a shirtless picture of himself to a woman he met on Craigslist. John Boehner reacted by crying.

The scandal broke at 2:00 and by 6:30, Lee was out of Congress. Who says they can’t get anything done?

I think that’s the same reason Regis Philbin is stepping down.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Hosni Mubarak Future Plans

10
Chill
9
Gonna look for a place in the Poconos
8
Check classifieds for job openings under "Ruthless Dictator"
7
Wander around the Sahara desert with his metal detector
6
Heard "The Office" needs a new boss to replace Steve Carell
5
Golf with Osama
4
Do some freestyle pickin'
3
Watch Snooki on Dave. It's gonna be sick!
2
Hoping his intolerance and thuggish behavior will land him a job at Fox News
1
Launching pop career under the name "Hustin Mubieber"
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Despite massive protests, the Egyptian president still refuses to leave. They’re calling him “Leno of the Nile.”

President Mubarak may be the richest man in the world, with as much as $70 billion. That’s almost as much as Oprah’s half-sister.

I don’t know much about Rep. Christopher Lee’s political beliefs, but he clearly believes in the “right to bare arms.”

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Justin Bieber is with us on the show. I’m never going to wash this building again.

The number of shark attacks around the world increased by 25 percent. With the economy like it is, more and more sharks are turning to crime.

A new report says that shark attacks could be reduced if people use simple common sense, such as never going in the ocean.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

It’s time for New York Fashion Week. In fact, I was just talking to Rep. Lee, and he told me shirts are totally out this season.

Married Congressman Christopher Lee was looking for dates on Craigslist and describing himself as divorced. But in fairness, he's about to be.

The New York Times says that cars will no longer come equipped with cassette players. That’s insane. It’s 2011 — people still read newspapers?

A high school student in Illinois was arrested for bringing pot brownies to school. And here’s the worst part: he didn’t even bring enough for everyone.

 
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