Wednesday Feb 09 2011

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Lindsay Lohan has been charged with stealing a $2,500 necklace. According to the law for celebrities in Los Angeles, 600 strikes and she’s out.

President Obama hosted Republican leaders for lunch at the White House. Obama had to do without salt, bread, pepper, and butter, but not for health reasons. The Republicans refused to pass anything.

The problem in Egypt is that so many government officials are rich and the people are poor. I think it’s a pyramid scheme.

The Mexican fast food chain was busted because 50 percent of its workers are undocumented. Now that’s real Mexican food.


Ten thousand angry demonstrators demanded that Egypt’s President Mubarak leave office. Police tried to disperse them with tear gas and when that didn’t work, they brought in a Black Eyed Peas halftime show.

Christina Aguilera is bouncing back from her Super Bowl appearance by singing at the Grammys. She’ll be accompanied by a full orchestra and 135 teleprompters.

A California man is suing Disney because he was trapped on the “It’s a Small World” ride for 40 minutes. When they heard it, the Chilean miners said, “Wow, we got off easy."

Texas officials want to take away a beauty queen’s crown because she’s put on too much weight. They should have seen this coming because her talent in the pageant was eating ham while swinging from a rope.

Late Show with David Letterman

We have over 40,000 potholes because of the snow in New York City. One is so big that it has a scenic overview.

It’s so cold today that Lindsay Lohan stole a scarf.

Michelle Obama says she has gotten President Obama to stop smoking. Now, maybe she can get John Boehner to stop sobbing.

Regis and Kelly celebrated the 10th anniversary of their show. Regis has been on TV so long, his first co-host was Eve.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Signs Lindsay Lohan Is Out Of Control

Says she needed the necklace because it matches her ankle monitor
Now she's addicted to lip balm
Friends worry her shoplifting is getting in the way of her drinking
Hosni Mubarak wants to hire her for his goon squad
Wants to be remembered as the girl who stole America's hearts and valuables
Hasn't slept in four days; claims it's research for her next role as a fish
Just broke Nick Nolte's DUI record
Refuses to sober up until Jennifer Aniston finds a husband
People are comparing her to Lindsay Lohan
Even Charlie Sheen said, "Hey, dial it back!"
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Russian astronomers say an asteroid is heading toward our planet and will hit us in 2036. You have to keep in mind that Russian astronomers use empty vodka bottles for telescopes.

The United States led the world in shark attacks last year. In your face, Australia.

American Sharks are so aggressive that most shark attacks these days are taking place in Oklahoma.

The flu always rears its ugly head this time of year, in late January or early February — like Ashton Kutcher movies.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Experts say that if you’re in any of the snowed-in areas, the best you can do is try to convince the “American Idol” judges to send you to Hollywood.

Lindsay Lohan has been charged with felony grand theft for allegedly stealing a necklace from a jewelry store, which is actually a step up from drugs and DUIs.

So the jewelry stores are allowed to rob us the week before Valentine’s Day, but when we do it, it’s illegal.

I don’t know why she’s stealing jewelry. The police already gave her an ankle bracelet.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

On the “Today” show, Michelle Obama called the Bush twins “magnificent” and Chelsea Clinton a “solid young woman.” In fact, the only president’s kid she didn’t compliment was George Bush Sr.’s.

Sprint is coming out with a two-screen phone called the Echo. One screen is for you, and the other displays an apology to the person you’re eating dinner with.

New York Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez reportedly went on a date with a girl who is still in high school. They have a lot in common actually. He’s out on the field every day because it’s his job, and she’s out on the field every day because she has gym second period.

Lady Gaga’s boyfriend is releasing a memoir/diet book called “The Drunk Diet.” When he heard this, Charlie Sheen was like “Great – now I need a new title for my book.”

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