Thursday Feb 03 2011

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

It was so cold in Washington, D.C., that they needed jumper cables to get Dick Cheney started.

The winter storm has caused the cancelation of over 11,000 flights. Many of the pilots had to sleep at the airport because they were too drunk to drive home.

CNN’s Anderson Cooper was punched in the head in Egypt. We have to take Anderson’s word since it was on CNN, so no one saw it.

Protestors in Egypt are telling their government to “accept the realities of the modern age we live in.” Then they were attacked by guys on camels with whips.


Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak said he would resign, but Egypt would then descend into chaos. Then he said, “Now, I have to go look out a window for the first time in two weeks.”

Mubarak’s son Gamal does not want to be Egypt’s next president. Experts say it’s no big deal, because “if you’ve seen one Mubarak, you’ve seen Gamal.”

The Chinese say the year is 4709, and we say the year is 2011. I’m just going to guess that they probably got the math right on that.

White Castle announced that they’re taking reservations for Valentine’s Day. They say it’s the perfect place to take that special lady you never want to see again.

Late Show with David Letterman

It was so cold in New York that the PETA people are saying, “Maybe fur ain’t that bad.”

It’s so cold that Justin Bieber has grown an extra set of bangs.

Barbara Walters has a special about famous people who have had heart surgery. That’ll bring in the younger audience.

Charlie Sheen is hoping that his current stay in rehab will be better than the last one — and the last one.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Ways New York City Is Healthier Than Ever

Gray street vendor meat sticks now trans fat free
New strict alternate-side-of-the-street vomiting rules
During winter months, fountains spray Robitussin
Central Park horses required to wear diapers
MTV has moved drunkest, most promiscuous residents to the Jersey shore
Rats now required by law to wash hands before returning to work
All New Yorkers invited to weekly Late Show yoga class. Call Kathy Mavrikakis if you need a mat
No No. 3 — writer home sick. That's odd considering the Top Ten topic
Hello Deli must label which foods are tainted with Listeria
Who gives a crap — Howard Stern is on Dave
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Two hundred and thirty million people will travel for the Chinese new year — which is like 1 percent of the Chinese population.

It’s the Year of the Rabbit. I was born in the Year of the Tiger, which doesn’t make sense because I was actually raised by a pack of wild ferrets.

I think rabbits are adorable. I love how their noses twitch and their feet make little key chains.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

I was offered an interview with Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak but we decided to go with Alex Trebek and Kim Kardashian.

There’s a lot of snow falling and it’s very cold. Finally, America’s extra layer of fat comes in handy. Take that, Michelle Obama.

It was so cold in Washington, D.C., that John Boehner’s tears were freezing before they hit the ground.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Charlie Sheen sent a text message to E! News saying that people should stop worrying about him and worry about the situation in Egypt. It was weird because people in Egypt said exactly the opposite.

MTV is showing a 6-hour “Jersey Shore” marathon on Super Bowl Sunday. So when you’re done watching America’s favorite violent pastime, you can switch over to the Super Bowl.

A man in New York was arrested for stealing a garbage truck. They knew he wasn’t a real garbage man because he kept stopping to pick up trash.

It was announced that Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak’s son won’t run for president. It makes sense. An unpopular man is voted out of office and then his inexperienced son becomes president? That could never happen.

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