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Monday Jan 31 2011

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

The bookies have put the odds out for this weekend. The Packers are slightly favored over the Steelers and the rioters are slightly favored over President Mubarak.

Huge riots continue in Egypt. Experts say one of the problems over there is there is a huge difference in wealth between the extremely rich and the vast majority of the people who have nothing. Thank God that could never happen in this country, huh?

I haven't seen this many protestors in Cairo since the last time they announced Brendan Fraser was doing another one of those "Mummy" movies.

Vice president Joe Biden has suggested to people out of work to just “hang in there.” What a difference two years makes: Remember “hope and change"? Now it’s “hang in there.”

Late Show with David Letterman

This year the Academy Awards nominated two movies that were remakes of John Wayne movies. First of all, "True Grit" was a John Wayne movie. And then the other one, of course, is Black Swan.

Happy birthday to Dick Cheney. I think he's 70 years old. Dick celebrated by shooting a cake.

They had a party at Dick Cheney's house and he invited 12 people to his birthday party. At midnight he told them, "Only 11 of you will be leaving with a heart."

John Boehner, the congressman from Ohio, is the new speaker of the House. We know that he cries. It's some sort of enzyme problem. If he can't find his car keys, he'll just sit down and sob.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Charlie Sheen Excuses

10.
What? What happened? What time is it?
9.
Trying to kick-start the economy
8.
One more visit to rehab and I get a sandwich press
7.
Distraught over Regis retiring
6.
Too drunk to think of a good excuse
5.
Why earn 1.8 million dollars an episode if you can't enjoy spending it?
4.
The "Jersey Shore" kids go nuts and everyone loves it, but Ol' Charlie can't have a party without somebody calling the cops?
3.
What am I supposed to do, read?
2.
Doing research for new movie, "The Charlie Sheen Story"
1.
Let's not turn buying a briefcase of cocaine into a federal crime
Jimmy Kimmel Live

I picked the wrong weekend to visit Egypt, that's for sure.

The guy no one seems to like, Hosni Mubarak, he kind of looks like me. I drove by a rally in Westwood on Saturday and I got nervous. I thought I was in trouble.

I don't know much about politics over there, but I heard they broke into their national museum and destroyed some mummies. The one thing I do know is that disturbing 2,000-year-old mummies is a terrible idea. If there's one thing Brendan Fraser has taught us, it's that.

We have a new Superman. Warner Brothers announced that British actor Henry Cavill has landed the role. Didn't we fight the Revolutionary War to avoid things like this? We can't have a British Superman. Superman doesn't stop for tea on his way to save lives.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Taco Bell is being sued for failing to meet the minimum requirements of acceptable ground beef. But you can tell they’ve addressed the issue by their new slogan: "Taco Bell: we now meet the minimum requirements of acceptable ground beef."

Bristol Palin recently announced that she has a new boyfriend. No word yet on their baby’s name.

A pop star in Indonesia was sentenced to more than three years in jail for making a sex tape. Wow, that’s much worse than the penalty you get here — becoming rich and famous.

A minor league baseball team in Ohio will hold a promotion called "Three Dog Night," where they'll sell a hot dog stuffed in bratwurst, stuffed in kielbasa. Then all three of those will be stuffed in a fat guy, stuffed in a suit, stuffed in a coffin, stuffed in the ground.

 
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