Monday Jan 24 2011

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Vice President Joe Biden was called for jury duty. He can get out of it if he can convince the judge that his presence at his job is essential. So he’s going to jury duty.

Chinese President Hu Jintao was hinting that China may not loan the U.S. any more money. President Obama is now talking to him about a reverse mortgage.

Scientists say bedbugs are becoming resistant to pesticides. What’s really impressive about them getting stronger is the fact that they accomplished this without even getting out of bed.

Police in Austria are looking for a bank robber who wears a Barack Obama mask while committing robberies. He started out with a Sarah Palin mask, but no one took him seriously.


Oprah announced that she has found her half sister, who was given up for adoption as a child. Then, so no one would feel left out, Oprah gave everyone in the audience their own half sister.

MSNBC abruptly ended its relationship with Keith Olbermann, and apparently his contract says he can’t be on TV for at least six months. Or, as industry experts call it, “the Conan.”

A Chicago court ruled that Rahm Emanuel can’t run for mayor in Chicago. But according to Chicago law, Emanuel can still purchase the position.

The Pope praised Facebook, but said it is no substitute for human interaction. Then he reminded everyone that human interaction is a sin.

Late Show with David Letterman


The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

I have a very important announcement. I am Oprah’s long-lost half sister.

A 48-year-old woman just found out she’s Oprah’s half sister. It’s the first time I’ve ever seen a human with actual cartoon dollar signs in their eyes.

A company in California is making marijuana soda. I think they should call it “Toca-Cola.”

After Larry King and Regis Philbin, Keith Olbermann is leaving television. Bad things always happen in threes — like the Jonas Brothers.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Oprah revealed that she has found her half sister. Her mother had a baby, but didn’t tell anyone about it. That’s how you know you’re overweight, when no one can tell you’ve been pregnant.

Oprah’s mother gave the baby up for adoption. This family just loves giving things away.

The sister eventually found out that Oprah is her half sister, and now she has to decide on whether she wants the lump sum or the annual payments.

The U.S. Postal Service announced plans to close an additional 2,000 branches after losing $8.5 billion. Maybe in retrospect, making people wait in line while you slowly finish your bag of fiery hot Cheetos isn’t such a good idea.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon


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