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Wednesday Jan 19 2011

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

The White House held a state dinner for Chinese President Hu Jintao. President Obama wore a traditional Chinese-made garment: a pair of Nikes.

Obama and Hu had a private dinner the night before. When Obama tried to pick up the check, Hu said, “Your money is no good here.” Obama laughed, and Hu said, “No, really, your money is no good.”

President Hu’s advance team came a week earlier to make sure that wherever he’s staying has no Chinese drywall.

The state dinner went really well, until the after dinner speeches were hosted by Ricky Gervais.

Conan

President Obama held a state dinner for Chinese President Hu Jintao. The world leader with the funny name, who grew up in Asia, said he enjoyed meeting President Hu.

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid said he would not attend the dinner because Hu is a “dictator.” In response, Hu said, “You’ll be coming, you’ll have the fish, and you’ll like it. Now.”

The Republican-controlled House voted to repeal the healthcare bill. If that goes well, they’ll see what they can do about this whole “women voting” thing.

Arnold Schwarzenegger says he’s considering doing a movie in which he would play a Nazi. He says that after being governor of California, he’s looking for a job that will make people hate him less.

Late Show with David Letterman

China’s President Hu is visiting the United States. If he likes what he sees, he may put down a deposit.

There was a big dinner for President Hu. General Tso brought his famous chicken.

Dick Cheney says he may need a heart transplant. The doctors discovered the problem during Cheney’s annual autopsy.

On the other hand, George W. Bush is still waiting on his brain transplant.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Changes to 'American Idol'

10
Three "Nos" from the judges and you're neutered
9
Now serving audience vodka and tonics
8
All songs must be in the form of a question
7
New microphones make everyone sound like a golden-voiced drifter
6
Randy Jackson is contractually obligated to get fat again
5
Losers shipped to a North Korean hard labor camp
4
In week six, contestants will be mentored by the late John Denver
3
Contestants are required to sing with ventriloquist dummies like Miss Arkansas
2
Winner will be announced in the first episode
1
Ryan Seacrest does even more . . . whatever the hell he does
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Happy birthday to Dolly Parton, who just turned 65. At least most of her.

Animal experts say the Tasmanian devil is close to extinction. Is anyone surprised? Have you seen the Bugs Bunny cartoons?

Everyone watched the 10th season of “American Idol.” The only people that didn’t see it were from al-Qaida.

To me, “American Idol” seems like singing Karaoke without being groped by Japanese businessmen. What’s the point?

Jimmy Kimmel Live

A new season of “American Idol” is starting. It’s becoming like the relative you hate to have over for Christmas, but can’t stop them from coming.

Ever since they hired Steven Tyler to be a judge on “American Idol,” the scarf budget has gone through the roof.

New Speaker of the House John Boehner chose not to attend the dinner for Chinese President Hu. In China, they’re calling him an orange chicken.

A study shows that nearly half of our country’s undergraduates show almost no gains in learning after their first two years in college. And the other half are nerds.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

President Obama says he’ll go to the Super Bowl if the Chicago Bears are playing in it. Sarah Palin says she’ll go to the Super Bowl if actual bears are playing in it.

A woman fainted during a welcoming ceremony for Chinese President Hu Jintao. President Obama said, “Who knows CPR?” President Hu said, “No, I don’t.”

Larry King says he would love to replace Regis Philbin when he retires later this year. That’s like replacing a Discman with a phonograph.

Police say that synthetic cocaine is being sold in gas stations, disguised as bath salts. So if you recently bought bath salts at a gas station — why did you do that?

 
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