Tuesday Jan 18 2011

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

According to TMZ, Charlie Sheen was partying in Las Vegas again on Monday. But to be fair, everybody celebrates the legacy of Dr. King differently.

There was a really awkward moment when the Chinese president met President Obama’s daughters and asked them, “So what factories do you kids work at?”

Former Vice President Dick Cheney says he may need a heart transplant. I understand Halliburton has a no-bid contract to do the installation on it.

The debate over repealing healthcare began in the House today. The republicans have their own plan: “Don't ask, don't get sick.”


Regis Philbin announced that he will be retiring after 40 years on television. It’s a shame because he was only 60 years shy of breaking Larry King’s record.

Kanye West is going to have a gay love scene in an upcoming movie. The scene will feature a mirror and Kanye West.

Despite cutting half of the city’s police force, the mayor of Camden, New Jersey, says the city’s crime statistics will not be affected. When asked how that’s possible, he cited the new law that makes stabbing a misdemeanor.

Two hundred cows recently died in a field in Wisconsin. Nobody knows the cause of death, but they suspect boredom.

Late Show with David Letterman

Conditions in New York City are icy. It’s like my backstage meeting with the Kardashians.

Starbucks is selling a 31-ounce cup of coffee. It’s taller than Mayor Bloomberg.

President Hu Jintao from China is visiting the United States. Ahead of the big state dinner, President Obama went to Hu’s hotel and slipped a menu under the door.

Former Vice President Dick Cheney predicts that President Obama will only last one term. This is coming from the same guy that predicted weapons of mass destruction in Iraq.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Chinese President Hu Jintao visited the White House. Fox News said it was a gathering of the world’s most powerful communist — and the president of China.

Regis Philbin is stepping down from television. I don’t know what he’ll do now, but he’s welcome to take over this show.

TMZ said that Kelly Ripa was blindsided by Regis’ announcement. Regis told her well in advance, but she hasn’t listened to a word he’s said in years.

Regis said he’ll stay on the show until the end of summer, so that should give him enough time to finish the story he started telling last week.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Regis Philbin announced that he’s leaving “Regis & Kelly.” I guess they’ll have to find someone else named Regis.

We’re already losing Oprah this summer. There aren’t too many one-named celebrities left. Help us, Beyonce.

Piers Morgan and Oprah had a bet on who would be the first to book Michael Vick on their show. Piers is British, so they bet 200 pounds. It wouldn’t be the first 200 pounds Oprah has lost.

Chinese President Hu Jintao made his first official state visit to the Unites States. Vice President Joe Biden has been asked not to do his “Hu’s on first” routine.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

The NFL is selling tickets to stand outside the stadium for the Super Bowl. That must be awkward for scalpers.

The Austrian version of “Dancing With the Stars” will feature two men dancing together. That’s right, a gay version of “Dancing With the Stars.” I thought we were already watching the gay version.

A prison in Russia is installing tanning beds to compensate for the lack of light inmates receive. The idea came from the new Russian prison Warden, Snyooki.

A new report found that most students don’t learn much in their first two years of college. When students heard that, they were like “What are you talking about? I built a bong out of a shoe.”

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