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Wednesday Jan 12 2011

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Chinese President Hu Jintao will be at the White House next week. The good news is, he has no plans to foreclose. We can stay another month.

Sarah Palin’s reality show will not be returning as she contemplates a possible run for president in 2012. When a candidate walks away from a reality show, that's when you know they're serious about being president of the United States.

Sarah Palin should pick The Situation from “Jersey Shore” as her vice president. That way, we can get rid of two reality shows at once.

“Jersey Shore” star Snooki says she’s tired of her name. She wants to go back to being called by her previous name, “Waitress!”

Conan

It’s snowing in 49 of the 50 states, except for Florida. That means that in all 50 states, people are driving 20 miles per hour on the highway.

San Francisco celebrated the opening of the nation’s first gay history museum. The museum is called “San Francisco.”

MGM says the next James Bond movie almost didn’t get made because of the bad economy, which explains the newest Bond villain, “Cash-for-Goldfinger.”

A man held up a bank, demanding all the $20, $40, and $60 bills. Luckily, he left after the teller told him, “All I have are $80s.”

Late Show with David Letterman

There’s snow on every street corner in New York City, and for a time, Mayor Bloomberg was missing. Luckily, someone called his cell phone and heard it ringing through the snow.

They’re blaming the weather on the Nor’easter. When did the weather guy start talking like a pirate?

It snowed in 49 states, but not in Florida. However, they’re still waiting for the results from Broward County.

The blizzard was three hours of howling wind — kind of like Rush Limbaugh’s radio show.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Ways AT&T Is Trying To Keep Its Customers

10
Everyone gets 10 cents off the $15 in taxes on their $100 monthly bills
9
Annoying busy signal replaced by adorable meowing kitty sounds
8
AT&T now stands for "American Telephone and Tacos"
7
Now hiring young, eager actors to shovel snow
6
New feature makes everyone sound like a golden-voiced drifter
5
Vibrate mode now 1 horsepower. Thank us later!
4
Free power adapter to connect to your electronic ankle bracelet (felons only)
3
When you report spotty service, agents will now pretend to care
2
AT&T operators offer not only advice, but the steamiest adult talk in town
1
Modifying network so only every other call gets dropped
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

America’s first gay history museum will open in San Francisco. In San Francisco, of all places? Really?

The gay museum in San Francisco will basically be a window, showing San Francisco.

Wikipedia is 10 years old this week. Well, I read that on Wikipedia, so it’s probably not true.

The two biggest websites right now are Wikipedia, where you go to learn about things you care about, and Facebook, where you go to learn about people you stopped caring about years ago.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

So far this winter, it has snowed in 49 out of 50 states, but not Florida. So now, your grandparents can complain that the snow doesn’t visit them either.

A judge in Los Angeles ordered Michael Jackson’s personal physician to stand trial for involuntary manslaughter and suspended his medical license. His lawyer said that if he lost his license, his patients would have no doctor. He still has patients?

Hillary Clinton was in Yemen for high-level talks with the government. Yes, they’ve got a government there.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Florida is the only state in the country with no snow on the ground. But just to be safe, they’re going to keep driving like there is.

A lot of Broadway shows offered huge discounts because of the snow. For instance, if you saw “Spider-Man: The Musical,” your ambulance ride is free.

The 10th season of “American Idol” premieres next week, and producers say that host Randy Jackson will be taking on a bigger role. No word yet on if he’s going to put butter on it or just eat it dry.

A company in New Jersey is recalling more than 200,000 pounds of discolored beef that smells weird. Their names are Snooki, Vinny, and The Situation.

 
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