Thursday Jan 06 2011

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

The first order of business for the 112th Congress: blaming everything on the 111th Congress.

Borders bookstores are struggling to stay in business. This could be the first time in our country that borders are actually closed.

January is the month that people are most likely to be fired — especially if you’re an elf.

Iran has arrested an American woman, accusing her of spying with a device in her teeth. As opposed to Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, who lies through his teeth.

Late Show with David Letterman

Now that the Republicans have taken over the House, they’re going to repeal everything President Obama has done. They even told Michelle Obama that her vegetable garden has to go.

New York City’s sanitation workers were accused of drinking on the job during the blizzard. At least something was getting plowed.

With so much garbage on the streets, the rats are going crazy. Fortunately, the city has hired an extra cat.

They’ve had birds falling out of the sky all over the world. Today I saw my parakeet reading the obituaries.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

I love nature documentaries, because you see the animals in their natural habitat. Speaking of which, the third season of “Jersey Shore” begins this week.

I’m not too hip to “Jersey Shore.” I couldn’t tell the difference between a JWoww and a ShamWow.

Some Italian-American groups have complained that “Jersey Shore” perpetuates negative stereotypes of Italian-Americans — unlike “The Sopranos” or “Real Housewives of New Jersey.”

Jimmy Kimmel Live

According to a group that monitors government waste, the Republicans’ reading of the Constitution cost taxpayers a $1 million. Only politicians could spend money reading.

The Constitution is one of the most important documents in the history of the world, but it’s also very boring. It’s the kind of thing that makes you wish you never learned to read.

The new Congress adopted a rule that permits members to use electronic devices on the floor of the House. So let the sexting begin.

Two people won the $380 million Mega Millions lottery drawing. It was the biggest single jackpot since Elin Nordegren divorced Tiger Woods.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

An escaped prisoner in Alaska was on the run for six hours before he was finally caught near Sarah Palin’s hometown of Wasilla. When I think of safe places to run, I think “the woods near Sarah Palin's house.”

There was a three-hour hostage standoff that ended peacefully at a mall food court in Arizona. It would have ended a lot sooner, but it took the cops two hours to find the gunman on the mall map.

A 39-year-old cat in Britain was just named the oldest cat ever. The cat’s really getting up there. Instead of playing with a ball of yarn, it uses it to knit sweaters.

Christina Aguilera has reportedly been living in the same house with her boyfriend, her son, and her soon-to-be ex-husband. She even sings about it in her new hit song, “Awkward.”

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