Wednesday Jan 05 2011

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

President Obama plans to sign a $1.4 billion food safety bill. The most dangerous thing about American food? The portions.

They now say that our national debt will have to be paid off by our children. So thank God for Kate Gosselin and the Octomom.

The commander of the USS Enterprise was relieved of duty because of his involvement in making raunchy videos while onboard the Navy ship. The good news: Today he was offered a job as a producer on "Jersey Shore."

A professor at Utah State University is now studying people who suffer from what he calls a compulsive obsession with morality and religion. They had these people when I was a kid. They were called parents.



Late Show with David Letterman

The weather outside is 36 degrees, with a 20 percent chance of falling birds.

Thousands of birds fell dead in Arkansas. It’s either al-Qaida, or Dick Cheney is hunting again.

A United Airlines plane had to make an emergency landing after the captain was drinking coffee and spilled it on the control panel. In his defense, he was drinking the coffee to sober up.

Now that the Republicans have taken over the House, they’re going to undo everything President Obama has done. John Boehner even told the Obama kids that the dog has to go back.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Things Overheard During The Republicans' First Day In Charge Of The House

"Mr. Boehner, please stop crying"
"How do we blame this dead bird thing on Obama?"
"I think he was just sworn in on a copy of Snooki's new book"
"Beer me!"
"Alright, you've had six hours, is the economy fixed?"
"Speaker Boehner, please stop blowing your nose"
"When is vacation?"
"No, Sen. McCain, Woodrow Wilson doesn't work here anymore"
"When do we get to sleep with the pages?"
"How soon can we go back to invading countries for oil?"
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Two people won the Mega Millions lottery. If you missed the drawing, the winning numbers were . . . not yours.

I hope the lottery winner is someone who needs the money, who’s been living in their car and eating out of the garbage, like Randy Quaid.

Playing the lottery is just gambling. I don’t need money to be happy. I get my happiness from the small things — literally, midgets.

The lottery preys on peoples’ hopes of getting rich without doing anything. People should get their money the old fashioned way: Be born a Kardashian.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Republicans took control of the House for the first time in four years. They say they’re going to stick to a strict interpretation of the Constitution. I hope you didn’t like voting, women and non-whites.

They’re also hoping to cut back on government regulation on Wall Street. I think we can all agree that Wall Street does a good job policing itself.

The last speaker, Nancy Pelosi has a frozen face and John Boehner has an orange face. If you put them together, you’ve got the Creamsicle of the House.

According to a new study, Mexico is now the fattest country in the world. Seventy percent of Mexican adults are said to be overweight or obese. When your national dish is the burrito, 70 percent actually seems low.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Congress was broadcast live on Facebook for the first time in history. Now you can waste time and not get work done by watching Congress waste time and not get work done.

New York has fired 90 percent of its official kosher inspectors. It was the first decision from New York’s newest elected official, Gov. Mel Gibson.

The fast food chain Chick-fil-A is reportedly sponsoring two anti-gay marriage conferences. A lot of people are upset about this, especially their competition: Chick-on-chick-fil-A.

A new study found that two thirds of the instructional CPR videos on YouTube are incorrect. But if you need help and your buddies are looking for CPR instructions on YouTube, you’re probably going to die.

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