JokesPageHeader
     
Tuesday Jan 04 2011

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

The captain of the USS Enterprise aircraft carrier has been relieved of command for appearing in raunchy videos on the ship. They are calling this the most embarrassing video involving Navy personnel since that guy from the Village People.

The top things people give up for the new year are junk food, alcohol, smoking, and gambling. So basically, people are giving up on 7-Eleven.

Over the weekend, thousands of dead birds fell out of the sky in Arkansas. Apparently this is Arkansas' version of the New Year’s Eve ball drop.

According to the Japanese press, Sony is coming out with a smartphone that has a PlayStation built in to compete with the iPhone. It’s called the "I-just-crashed-my-car-phone."

Conan

Rerun

Late Show with David Letterman

Thousands of birds fell dead around midnight on New Year’s Eve. Where was Obama? Vacationing in Hawaii.

We had two feet of snow in New York City. Everyone is blaming Mayor Bloomberg, and asking where he was during the blizzard. He’s not that tall, he could have been buried in snow.

Everyone is after Mayor Bloomberg over the blizzard. I hope this doesn’t hurt his chances of becoming king of New York.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten New York Department of Sanitation Excuses

10
It was cold
9
Couldn't get to work because no one plowed the street
8
Didn't want to get hit by falling dead birds
7
What do we look like? Ice road truckers?
6
Work slowdowns, sleeping on the job . . . Shouldn't you be questioning the New York Giants?
5
Wait, New York City has a Department of Sanitation?
4
Waiting for Apple to develop a snow removal app
3
Still have our hands full cleaning up Charlie Sheen's hotel room
2
Distracted watching Rex Ryan home movies
1
We always pull crap like this during the holidays
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

In 2010, the average American watched more TV than ever before in history, at 34 hours a week. That’s longer than court-appointed rehab for Charlie Sheen.

Nowadays, people have TV in their cars, on their phones, and in exercise equipment. Soon, people will have TVs in their foreheads.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

A photograph of Justin Bieber kissing Selena Gomez came to light. If you don’t know who Selena Gomez is, she’s the sweet little girl from the Disney Channel — whose car is now covered in eggs.

On Twitter, there were death threats directed at Selena Gomez. This is exactly what happened to me when I was 16 and I started dating Kenny Loggins.

Season three of “Jersey Shore” premiers Thursday night on MTV. Didn’t season two just end on Christmas Eve? You’d think it would take a month just to sterilize the hot tub.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Hugh Hefner reportedly gave his new fiancée a $90,000 diamond engagement ring. It’s not that impressive. Back when he bought it, it was still a lump of coal.

Nickelodeon just renewed “SpongeBob SquarePants” for a ninth season. You can tell SpongeBob is growing up because he wants to be called “SpongeRobert.”

As Nickelodeon announced the ninth season of “SpongeBob SquarePants,” the NFL announced that this was the last season of “Brett Favre NoPants.”

Kate Middleton’s uncle is reportedly getting over a drug problem so that he can be invited to her ceremony, and Prince William’s uncle has to clean up his act too. At a luncheon last week, he used his salad fork on the beef tenderloin.

 
Email:
 
Retype Email:
 
Country:
 
Zip Code:
Your e-mail address and personal information is confidential as stated in our Privacy Policy.
 
Around the Web

Newsmax, Moneynews, and Independent. American. are registered trademarks of Newsmax Media, Inc. Newsmax TV, NewsmaxWorld, NewsmaxHealth, are trademarks of Newsmax Media, Inc.

 
NEWSMAX.COM
America's News Page
©  Newsmax Media, Inc.
All Rights Reserved