It’s been raining so much in Los Angeles that the Chia Pet I threw in the garbage is now blocking my entire driveway.
The economy is still hurting. Every Christmas tree lot that I passed this morning was out of business.
It’s so cold back east, Christine O’Donnell is using her leftover campaign funds to buy a new house in Florida.
Christine O’Donnell is being investigated for using campaign funds to pay for personal expenses. I think it’s a witch hunt.
Lindsay Lohan is out of rehab. Gentlemen, start your blenders.
Please don’t judge Lindsay Lohan until you’ve stumbled a mile in her shoes.
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is selling his car from 1977. It’s an old car, but he claims it still has that new dictator smell. And he claims he only drove it to and from executions.
Two tons of confetti were dumped in Times Square for New Year’s Eve. They’re being very careful cleaning it up, in order to not disturb the garbage.
Top Ten Signs Your 2011 Is Off To A Bad Start
You’ve already gained 40 pounds
New Year’s Eve kiss was with cellmate Chuck
Just named the new stunt guy in “Spider-Man: the Musical”
Your car is stuck under two feet of snow and three feet of garbage
You play for the New York Giants
It’s year 11 of being stuck in your Y2K bunker
Already spent more time in a Mexican prison than in all of 2010
2011 is the year and your cholesterol
Your job title is Mayor of New York City
It’s the sixth anniversary of our show. It was six years ago today that I stood here with no idea what I was doing. And nothing’s changed.
If today is the sixth anniversary of the show, that means tomorrow is the sixth anniversary of me not giving a crap.
I resolve to make 2011 the best year we’ve ever had. On a scale of 1 to 10, I vow to make this show a four.
Resolutions just set you up for failure. My resolution last year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
Happy new year. My new year’s resolution this year is the same as last year: Eat more gluten.
During the first two weeks of January, people often resolve to lose weight, which is great for me because the line at Sizzler is much shorter.
It’s been raining in Los Angeles for the past couple of weeks. I was forced to scrape rain off my windshield this morning.
We have a new governor in California. Former Gov. Jerry Brown replaces Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger. I don’t know if I trust a governor who’s never done steroids.
President Obama says he read three books while he was on vacation. Or as Sarah Palin put it, “showoff.”
A grey-colored snow fell in Russia over the weekend, or as they call it in Russia, “sunshine.”
Paula Abdul said she’s never had a drinking problem, and that she’s just goofy. When asked how goofy, she said, “Probably about 0.8.”