Wednesday Dec 22 2010

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Welcome to Los Angeles. We’re now a federally protected wetland.

With all this water, suddenly the name “L.A. Lakers” makes sense.

7-Eleven is now selling their own brand of wine. It makes a great holiday gift for the man who has nothing.

The census shows there are more than 308 million people living in America. The amazing part is: More than half of those people are Americans.


It has been raining so much in Los Angeles that talk show hosts are legally required to do jokes about the rain.

It’s been raining so hard that the rain briefly washed the hair out of Justin Bieber’s eyes.

It’s been raining so hard that Charlie Sheen locked a mermaid in his closet.

Late Show with David Letterman

Donald Trump is flying JetBlue, but they make him put that thing on his head in a pet carrier.

It’s hard to imagine Donald Trump flying on JetBlue, kind of like it’s hard to imagine Sarah Palin flying on Air Force One.

Sarah Palin is getting into the Christmas spirit. Today, she shot a partridge in a pear tree.

They’re having several days of heavy rain in Los Angeles. Of course, Mel Gibson is blaming the Jews.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Signs It's Christmas In New York

Taxi drivers say, "Merry Christmas!" before giving you the finger
Potholes filled with delicious egg nog
Now when Trump evicts tenants, he's dressed as Santa
Caroling carjackers
Streets smell like mulled cider-scented urine
Muggers steal your wallet and leave behind polite holiday thank you note
Street vendors selling red and green hot dogs
Mayor Bloomberg mistaken for Santa's workshop elf
People on the subway yell, "I got your yule log right here"
Instead of being drunk on gin, Regis is drunk on egg nog
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Christmas is very special in Hollywood. When people wish you happy holidays in Los Angeles, 5 percent of them actually mean it.

A lot of people prefer Christmas shopping online, and I understand because I like to shop wearing nothing but my underpants.

I buy most of my gifts from Amazon. Not the website, the actual rain forest.

Jimmy Kimmel Live


Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

“Sarah Palin’s Alaska” has been such a big hit for TLC, they’re trying to get her to do another season. You know who doesn’t want Palin to have a second season? Elk.

Congratulations to “All My Children” actress Rebecca Budig, who won on “Skating with the Stars.” She beat the two other finalists: somebody else and whoever it was.

Security officials say that al-Qaida once considered spreading poison through salad bars across the U.S. But they abandoned the plan after Sizzler beat them to it.

Another actor was injured during production of the new Spider-Man musical after he fell 30 feet into the orchestra pit. At this point, they’re just going to change the name to “Jackass 4.”

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