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Tuesday Dec 21 2010

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

It’s been raining heavily in Los Angeles. There were 260 traffic accidents. Most of them were caused by people texting while hydroplaning.

Vice President Joe Biden said there has been no "substantive damage" to the United States by Julian Assange in the whole WikiLeaks scandal. He says it has been embarrassing, but you can't prosecute people for embarrassing the United States. If that were true, Joe Biden would be serving life in prison.

A new poll shows President Obama ahead of Sarah Palin 54 percent to 39 percent in a potential match-up. You know what that means? John McCain could get Barack Obama elected twice.

On a flight from Cuba to Canada, a man threatened to shoot flight attendants after they stopped serving him drinks. He has been charged with making death threats and if convicted, he could lose his pilot's license.

Conan

Driving conditions in Los Angeles were so bad last night, I saw Lindsay Lohan slide on to the road.

It’s the winter solstice, which means it was the shortest day of the year — unless your kid dragged you to the new “Yogi Bear” movie.

In Germany, an airport hired clowns to entertain grumpy passengers whose flights have been delayed. None of the clowns survived.

Late Show with David Letterman

On this date in 1620, the Pilgrims arrived in America. Two years at sea with only bread and water and a bucket for their personal hygiene. Wait a minute — that’s a Carnival cruise.

It was tough for the Pilgrims. The first year they were here, they lost everything they had at the Indian casinos.

Sarah Palin is angry that Michelle Obama is suggesting that parents encourage their kids to eat healthy. Palin thinks that if we have healthy children, the terrorists have won.

It’s raining like crazy in California. But at least the mudslides will put out the wildfires.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Surprises In The 2010 Census

10
Census Bureau lost count halfway through and had to start over
9
Population has grown by 9.7 percent; Population's waist size has grown by 42 percent
8
North Dakota is used mainly for storage
7
The profile of the average American is a Minnesota claims adjuster name Duane
6
Wealthiest neighborhood is wherever Tiger Woods’ ex-wife is staying that day
5
More Americans get their news from RKO newsreels than from any other source
4
Only one American wore a meat dress last year
3
Osama bin Laden owns a specialty cheese shop in Park Slope, Brooklyn
2
Eighty-seven percent of professional athletes have dated Kim Kardashian
1
Most common name for women: Mrs. Larry King
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

It’s my second wedding anniversary. Two years is a long time to be married in Los Angeles. What’s my secret? I take whatever Larry King does and do the opposite.

It’s Joseph Stalin’s birthday. It’s great having your anniversary on Stalin’s birthday, because you’re reminded by all the Stalin’s birthday sales.

It’s the winter solstice, when the earth’s axial tilt is furthest from the sun. I have no idea what that means.

It’s also the shortest day of the year. Congratulations, midgets.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Rerun

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Police officers just found two chickens in midtown Manhattan. Or as pigeons call them, tourists.

Happy birthday to Chinese President Hu Jintao. President Obama was going to get him a present, but it’s a little weird buying someone a gift with their own money.

Madame Tussauds’ wax museum in Washington, D.C. will open a new gallery next year featuring all 44 presidents. The Obama statue is very lifelike. In fact, Biden spent an hour telling it about his weekend.

A new study found that there are only 786 mountain gorillas left in the world, and that number could go down even further after the premier of the new show, “Sarah Palin’s Congo.”

 
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