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Friday Dec 17 2010

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

I grew up in New England, and Christmas is different here in Los Angeles. Last night, carolers came to my door. Which was nice, but then I realized they were lip-syncing.

Congress has voted to extend the Bush tax cuts. Is it me, or is George W. Bush getting more done now than when he was in office?

President Obama met with leaders of 60 American Indian tribes. I don't want to say the country's in bad shape, but he offered to give it back to them.

The president was honored by the Indians with his own Indian name. They now call him, "Dances With Republicans."

Conan

Rerun

Late Show with David Letterman

I don’t mind the inappropriate groping at airline security. At my age, I’m just glad to get the attention.

After you go through security, how much are you supposed to tip?

Last night was Larry King’s final show. Should we tell him?

I’m sorry to see Larry go. Now I’m the only creepy old guy on TV.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Signs Your Mall Santa Is Overworked

10
Instead of, "What do you want for Christmas?" Asks, "Where the hell am I?"
9
Calls every kid he meets "Ricky"
8
Constantly breaks down sobbing like John Boehner
7
Excuses himself to bathe in the fountain
6
Will only hear what you want if you go through a pat-down or full-body scan
5
Barricades himself under the escalator brandishing a sharpened candy cane
4
Angrily tells everyone, "You're getting a Waterpik"
3
Many times a day, mall security has to taser him
2
Asks every kid, "You're not Jewish, are you?"
1
Instead of milk and cookies, asks for Xanax
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

“Yogi Bear” is opening in theaters. You know what that means: It’s Oscar season.

I think this movie is dangerously misleading because bears don’t walk on their hind legs, and they eat their food on all fours — like David Hasselhoff.

“Yogi Bear” is just pro-bear propaganda. Bears are not our friends.

Bears look very cuddly on TV, but in real life, they’re very dangerous and unpredictable — like Katie Couric.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Rerun

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Michelle Obama wore a vintage thrift-store dress from the 1950s for the Christmas in Washington concert. She's not the only one going vintage. In fact, her husband just agreed to a tax plan from the early 2000s.

The EPA just announced that the artificial sweetener saccharin is not a cancer threat after all. Or as I’ll be reporting the story 10 years from now, “The EPA just announced that the artificial sweetener saccharin is definitely a cancer threat after all.”

Southwest Airlines has announced that it could soon begin making international flights. Which may finally answer that age-old question: What would it be like to take a bus across the Atlantic?

Police in the U.K. rented a bouncy castle to cushion the fall when a man threatened to jump off of a building. That must have been an interesting talk. “Sir, do not jump. But if you do, please take your shoes off, and no rough-housing once you’re in there.”

 
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