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Thursday Dec 16 2010

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Al-Qaida is planning Christmas attacks in the U.S. and Europe. The U.S. government sprang into action and told al-Qaida, “Hey, you cannot call them Christmas attacks, you have to call them holiday attacks.”

A new survey finds that although his approval ratings are low, President Obama is still ahead of the most prominent Republicans. Have you seen his tax plan? He is the most prominent Republican.

The House has voted to repeal the "don't ask, don't tell” policy. Nancy Pelosi said, "Now's the time to act," meaning before Democrats lose their majority in a couple of weeks. Which raises the question: Why didn't they act the last four years when they had the majority?

According to a new Rasmussen poll, only 23 percent say America is heading in the right direction. In Mexico, it's different. There, 77 percent say the right direction is heading to America.

Conan

It’s Larry King’s final night after a long career. Larry’s very first interview question was, “Why only 10 commandments?”

A group of TSA agents has formed a choir to entertain travelers as they go through security. It’s not helping that the only song they sing is Journey’s “Loving, Touching, Squeezing.”

WikiLeaks editor Julian Assange was granted bail by a London court. At a press conference, Assange said he will not be silenced, and then told everyone who their secret Santa is.

Michael Vick said he would like to own a dog some day. When asked about it, dogs everywhere said, “Meow.”

Late Show with David Letterman

This Christmas season, the post office will handle 10 billion packages. They won’t deliver them, they’ll just handle them.

Here in New York City, the post office is so busy that they opened a second window.

Julian Assange was released from custody. It’s a good thing, because he was behind on his holiday leaking.

The most annoying word of the year is “whatever.” As always, No. 2 is “Limbaugh.”

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Things Overheard During Larry King's Final Show

10
"Would someone please wake Larry?"
9
"Osama, from the mountainous regions of Pakistan, you're on the air, hello?"
8
"I thought he retired years ago"
7
"Seriously, who's gonna wake Larry?"
6
"I hope the show enjoys continued success under its new host, what's-his-name"
5
"Thank you, Larry, from all of us at the National Association of Suspenders"
4
"We'll be right back after this message from Poligrip"
3
"Palm Beach Retirement Village, hello!"
2
"Regis is singing! Go to commercial! Quick!"
1
"Who's gonna tell Larry it's his final show?"
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

A 103-year-old woman in Wales is the world’s oldest Facebook user. It just goes to show you that you’re never too old to waste your precious time.

The Los Angeles Zoo has opened their new elephant habitat. There hasn’t been this much excitement at the L.A. Zoo since the exhibit of the Baldwin brothers.

The elephant habitat cost $42 million. That would buy you a lot of peanuts.

Elephants are a natural fit for L.A. They have thick skin to survive all the criticism, they have great memories to remember who screwed them over, and they have long trunks to reach across the room at parties and snort other peoples’ cocaine.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

It’s perfectly fine to get a co-worker a gift certificate for a full-body massage. It’s not OK to start giving them one.

Ninety-nine percent of the eggnog purchased all year is purchased during the week before Christmas. And 99 percent of that eggnog is poured down the drain during the week after Christmas.

Nog is short for No One is Going to drink it.

In Abu Dhabi, there’s an $11 million Christmas tree. The prime minister of Abu Dhabi said he hoped the tree would be a symbol that Abu Dhabi has a lot more money than us. And that we’re paying far too much for gas.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

There’s only a week left to finish your Christmas shopping. Or as most guys look at it, “There's a whole week left to start my Christmas shopping.”

The Obamas had their dog, Bo, sign their Christmas card this year with a paw print. But Bo only agreed to do it after Obama agreed to extend the Bush-era treats policy.

Several TSA officers have formed a holiday choir at the Los Angeles International Airport. Which, of course, answers the question: How can going through airport security possibly get any worse?

Apparently, a fourth panel of the Metrodome’s roof collapsed last night, sending more snow crashing onto the field. The last time I saw something cave in so often, he was giving a press conference at the White House.

 
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