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Wednesday Dec 08 2010

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

The majority of women say they don’t need presents and they just look forward to spending time with their mates on Christmas. Guys, it’s a trick.

According to a report, the worst drivers in the country are in Washington, D.C. Republicans can only turn right, Democrats can only turn left, and Obama is weaving all over the place.

The tax cut deal means tax cuts for the rich and benefits for the unemployed. If you work for a living, you’re screwed.

China is holding about a trillion dollars in U.S. debt. Next time you go for Chinese food and the bill comes, tell them to put it on the tab.

Conan

On a recent worldwide math test, American teenagers ranked 25th out of 34 countries. When they heard this, American teens said, “Yea right, like there are 34 countries.”

New York City taxi drivers are being told to start racially profiling their passengers. They’re supposed to report anyone that looks like them.

Charles Manson was caught with a cell phone hidden underneath his prison mattress. Guards became suspicious after Manson started wearing a Bluetooth earphone.

Late Show with David Letterman

Going through airport security, you have a choice of being groped or photographed nude. Why can’t we have both?

A man smuggled four snakes, two parrots, and a squirrel in his pants onto a plane. I think there was a partridge in a pear tree as well.

President Obama has extended the Bush-era tax cuts. Let’s extend the policies of a man that gave us the greatest recession in the history of the planet.

Sarah Palin shot and killed a reindeer on her reality show. And that was her Christmas special.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Reasons Saudi Youth Love Me, Dave Letterman

10
I too was a Saudi youth
9
We're on right after the No. 1 children's show "Saudi Doody"
8
I'm hip to their jive
7
Come on, who doesn't love a sneezing monkey? (video of a sneezing monkey)
6
I've been told I smell like grilled lamb
5
They love seeing dumb Americans featured in my hilarious "Jaywalking" segment
4
Come on, who doesn't love watching Trump at a football game? (video of Donald Trump at football game)
3
My memorable performance in "Lawrence of Arabia" as Tariq the date farmer
2
My chain of local Saudi home decor stores: Bedouin, Bath, and Beyond
1
The jokes are a lot funnier if you don't speak English
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

HBO announced that Oprah will play a madam in a new movie about brothels. In one scene, all the men look under their seats and they get a free hooker.

The Beatles are easily the best musicians ever to be named after a bug. Sorry, Adam Ant.

When The Beatles’ success in America was called “the British invasion,” Larry King got really scared, because he was around when “British invasion” meant revolutionary war.

A woman in Texas is going to jail for too many overdue library books. First you arrest Willie Nelson for pot, then send a woman to jail for library books? Kids, let that be a lesson. Never read — and don’t carry marijuana on your tour bus in Texas.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

It’s the eighth and final night of Hanukkah. Eight presents is a lot for a kid. If I was locked into an eight-present deal, there would be a lot of batteries.

The White House Christmas tree took four-and-a-half days to set up. You know how much twine it takes to strap a pine tree to the top of Air Force One?

A new study found that American schoolchildren rank 25th in math, 17th in science, and 14th in reading which, according to my calculations, means we’re in third place. We’re still leading in P.E., recess, and shop.

MTV has announced that they’re putting Snooki from “Jersey Shore” in the Times Square New Year’s Eve ball. If the UFOs show up on New Year’s Eve and see us chanting for Snooki in an enormous mirrored orb, they’ll probably assume she’s our queen, and they’ll destroy our civilization.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

The census showed that over the last 10 years, the U.S. population grew by roughly 30 million people. When I heard that, I was like, “Por qué?”

There’s a medical marijuana store in California that apparently makes home deliveries. I think that's called a “dealer.”

A man in Australia married his 5-year-old Labrador. That's just wrong. You can't make a big decision like that when you're only 5 years old.

I read that UPS is now requiring customers to show a photo ID when they ship something. It’s just like the TSA. First, they check your ID, and then they check your package.

 
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