Tuesday Dec 07 2010

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange turned himself in to police in England today. When the judge asked him where he lived, he said he didn't want to give out that information. Maybe "Wiki-hypocrite" would be a better name for this guy.

It looks like the Bush-era tax cuts for the wealthy will continue thanks, to the courage of a strong Republican leader: Barack Obama.

In fact, Obama changed his slogan from "yes, we can" to "yes, we cave."

I’ll give you an idea how bad it is for him now. Now Democrats want to see his birth certificate.


Oprah flew her audience on an eight-day journey across Australia. Not to be outdone, I will drive two of my audience members to Outback Steakhouse. But they’re paying.

Charles Manson was caught with a cell phone under his mattress in prison. And you thought it was creepy getting a text message from Brett Favre.

7-Eleven is developing a house wine called Cherrywood Cellars. Finally, a wine you can microwave.

The highest-paid female reality star this year was Kim Kardashian, who made $6 million, and the highest-paid male reality star was The Situation from “Jersey Shore,” with $3 million. Let this be a message, kids. Stay out of school.

Late Show with David Letterman

It’s so cold that the security guys at the airports are putting their hands in their own pants.

“A Charlie Brown Christmas” was just on. According to a recent poll, most Americans think Charlie Brown is a Muslim.

A Santa Claus had to be fired because he was making inappropriate jokes. Well, I can identify with that.

President Obama has agreed to extend the Bush-era tax cuts. Because if there’s anything we need, it’s an extension of the Bush era.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Signs You're Having A Bad Holiday Season

Doctor removed 50 feet of Christmas lights from your intestines
Hottest YouTube video — a mall elf kicking you in the groin
At party, your friend Greg insisted on serving something called "Gregnog"
You keep getting frisked by TSA agents and you're not even at the airport! Can you imagine?
Department store Santa says, "I'm guessing you want an Ab Roller"
Still recovering from the salmonella you got from the undercooked Thanksgiving turkey
Wednesday: Employed; Thursday: Drunk at office party; Friday: Unemployed
Your job title is "President of the United States"
Charlie Sheen is passed out in your nativity scene
Willie Nelson smoked all of your frankincense
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

It’s a great day for Charlie Sheen. He has agreed to do a cameo on the show “Walking Dead.” He’s going to be stumbling, drooling, and acting like a zombie. Then he’ll do the show.

Awards season is here again, the time when TV and film critics nominate shows that aren’t this one.

They’re making the lists for Best Movie Performance and Best Angry Voicemail.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Sarah Palin shot a reindeer on the last episode of her show. You don’t typically see politicians shooting reindeer to death two weeks before Christmas.

Julian Assange was arrested by British authorities. Our secrets are safe — as long as no one else figures out how to use the Internet.

It’s the seventh night of Hanukkah. It’s the night that parents run out of presents and go around the house wrapping anything.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

President Obama has reached a deal with Republicans to extend the Bush tax cuts, in exchange for extending jobless benefits. Republicans in Congress say they’re thrilled with the tax cuts, while Democrats leaving Congress say they’re thrilled with the jobless benefits.

Homeland Security is bringing the “If You See Something, Say Something” campaign to WalMart, reminding shoppers to report suspicious activity. You want to know if there's suspicious activity at a WalMart? You mean the place where I can go to one aisle and get a rifle, an iPod, and some Sunny D?

Justin Bieber said that his mom recently canceled his cell phone plan after they had an argument. She was like, “Justin, you will follow my rules as long as I’m living under your roof!”

A Chinese passenger train just broke a record by hitting 302 miles per hour. Passengers called it “a thrilling experience,” while the guy in the bathroom called it “the worst day of my life.”

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