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Monday Dec 06 2010

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

You have to be careful of political correctness this time of the year. You can’t call them “Santa’s elves” anymore. They’re “undocumented little people.”

Because of a printing error, a billion new $100 bills have to be destroyed. They’re going to burn $100 billion dollars — just like they did with the last stimulus program.

President Obama’s pledge to have the most transparent administration in history has come true. Thanks to WikiLeaks.

Charles Manson was busted for having a cell phone in his prison cell. He’s surrounded by concrete and metal bars. What carrier does he have?

Conan

Hanukkah lasts eight nights, or the length of a Kanye West press conference.

Iran began holding talks with the six world powers. Participants were the U.S., Russia, China, Britain, France, and Oprah.

Charles Manson was caught with a hidden cell phone under his prison mattress. In his defense, Manson said he was only using it to stab people.

The biggest winner on Black Friday was Costco. So kids can look forward to running downstairs on Christmas morning to find a 12-gallon barrel of olives.

Late Show with David Letterman

WikiLeaks has revealed that China tried to censor the Internet. That’s not the China I know.

President Obama went to Afghanistan over the weekend. He dropped in, shook a few hands, and left within an hour. It’s like me at Thanksgiving.

Willie Nelson was arrested for possession of marijuana. Nothing yet on bin Laden, but we got Willie Nelson.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Signs Your Neighbor Is The WikiLeaks Guy

10
Name on mailbox reads "WikiLeaks Guy"
9
Spends most of his free time burying stuff in the yard
8
He insists you speak directly into his necktie
7
More than once, you've caught him crawling in your ventilation ducts
6
He told you about Jeter's new contract at Thanksgiving
5
He insists you speak directly into his necktie — that joke was already in the Top Ten. We really need someone checking these things
4
On recycling day, he puts out cans, bottles, and classified documents
3
His idea of small talk is "Good morning" and "Want the coordinates of our secret military base in the Strait of Hormuz?"
2
Any time you talk to him, all he says is, "I know. I know. I know . . . "
1
Gets drunk and takes a "WikiLeak" on your porch — Hayo!
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

It’s a great day if you’re a nutcase loner. The Unabomber’s house in Lincoln, Mont. is up for sale.

It’s the second-best place to go if you want to hide from everyone. The first-best place to hide is here at 12:30 a.m.

It’s so cold in St. Louis that travelers are requesting seconds on TSA pat-downs just to stay warm.

Cold weather can cause fights over control of the thermostat. I like to keep the house cool, at 65 degrees, but my wife likes to keep it at 70 degrees. So we compromise — and keep it at 70 degrees.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Oprah made her final book club selection before her show ends. After this year, she’s sworn never to read again.

Oprah was honored at the Kennedy Center, along with Paul McCartney. McCartney brought us Sgt. Pepper, and Oprah brought us Dr. Phil.

Between the made-up words and wildly shooting at anything with four legs, Sarah Palin is turning into Elmer Fudd.

WikiLeaks head Julian Assange says that if arrested, he will release secret documents, including information on UFOs. Arrest him, I want to see those documents.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange says he’s going to release damaging files on BP and Guantanamo Bay if his website is shut down. Excuse me? No one besmirches the good names of BP and Guantanamo Bay.

A scientist in the U.K. has figured out that April 11, 1954 was the most boring day in history. Which is why I’ve started calling “Skating With The Stars” the “April 11, 1954 of TV shows.”

Apple is working on new 3-D technology that can be seen without special glasses. But it’s not ready yet, so if you want to experience 3-D without having to wear 3-D glasses, go outside and look at something.

A new study found that good-looking people are more likely to have daughters than sons. And ugly people are more likely to have cats.

 
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