Thursday Dec 02 2010

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Gov. Schwarzenegger attended a menorah-lighting ceremony. He said he always looks forward to Hanukkah. At least I think that’s what he said. He might have said “I like to play the harmonica.”

They say there are more than 300 sextillion stars in the universe. And yet they still couldn’t find one to be on “Skating With the Stars.”

The Russian Space Agency says they will send a satellite into orbit to clean up all the junk and debris that’s circling the earth. NASA responded by saying, “If you touch our junk, we’ll have you arrested.”

For the fourth year in a row, New York’s LaGuardia Airport was voted the nation’s worst airport. It is so undermanned, passengers have to fondle themselves.


It’s the second night of Hanukkah. Because we’re at TBS, we’ll just rerun the first night.

Facebook creator Mark Zuckerberg will appear on “60 Minutes.” This means he’ll be interviewed by the only people that are not yet on Facebook.

According to health officials, teenagers have started smoking nutmeg to get high. Is this recession bad or what?

In Japan, a produce company is selling “Mozart Bananas.” They’re bananas that have grown in a room where Mozart is playing. They hope it goes over better than their “Sir MixaLot Yams.”

Late Show with David Letterman


The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

I was nominated for a Grammy in the Spoken Word category for an audio book of my autobiography. It’s the same category that Al Gore won a few years ago. Unfortunately, his spoken words were “I invented the Internet.”

My Grammy nomination brings me one step closer to my lifetime goal of losing every major award in Hollywood.

At the Grammy nominations, there was a live satellite hook-up with Justin Bieber. Little girls were screaming so much that they shattered something very valuable — Cher’s face.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Qatar was chosen instead of the United States for the next World Cup. This is not the first time the U.S. has been beaten by Qatar. They crushed us in the “Most Sand Competition.”

Justin Bieber was nominated for Best New Artist. It’s nice to see Justin Bieber finally getting some recognition.

That’s got to make the other nominees feel great. It’s like finding out you were nominated for Best Actress and then finding out Snooki was nominated too.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon


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