The annual "Christmas Village" in Philadelphia has been renamed the "Holiday Village." In fact, they’re not Santa’s reindeer anymore . . . They’re now "nondenominational venison."
The head of WikiLeaks, Julian Assange, has gone into hiding. They say he’s some place all alone where no one can find him. In fact, officials believe he may be hiding in a theater showing “Burlesque.”
President Obama received 12 stitches in his lip after being elbowed in the mouth during a basketball game. Out of force of habit, he blamed George Bush.
Sen. John McCain said it's time for a regime change in North Korea. To which the Carrows waitress said, "Sir, if you don’t order now, you’re going to miss the early bird special.”
President Obama held a ceremony at the White House to celebrate the first night of Hanukkah. In response, Republicans said, “It’s even worse than we thought. He’s a Jewish Muslim.”
The government is considering raising the retirement age to 69. In other words, they want Brett Favre to play two more years.
Former President George W. Bush said he’s a huge fan of his new iPad. Or as he called it, his “glowing magic window.”
President Obama has set aside over 180 million acres of land for polar bears. When Sarah Palin heard about it, she said, “Todd, get my gun.”
Hanukkah is the festival of lights, or as Mel Gibson calls it, “Wednesday.”
Happy birthday to Woody Allen, who’s 75 today. It’s not easy to find a card that says, “Happy birthday, dad/husband.”
Advertisers are scrambling because people with DVRs are skipping through commercials. Except on this show, where people can’t wait for the commercials.
It’s the first night of celebrating — and misspelling — Hanukkah.
The miracle of Hanukkah is that there was only enough oil to keep the menorah lit for one night and it lasted for eight nights. As far as religious miracles go, it’s not exactly the resurrection of the Easter bunny, but it’s fun for the kids.
This week, we had the biggest Cyber Monday ever. This is partly because Cyber Monday was only invented two years ago.
WikiLeaks’ Julian Assange said Secretary of State Hillary Clinton should resign for ordering American diplomats to spy on their foreign counterparts. Thanks, creepy Australian guy who’s wanted for rape in Sweden, we’ll make a note of that.