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Monday Oct 26 2009

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

According to CBS News, President Obama has played more golf in nine months than George Bush in nearly three years. Actually, Obama is a good golfer. Do you know what his handicap is? Joe Biden.

Former Vice President Dick Cheney accused the White House of "dithering" over the strategy in Afghanistan. Today the White House said they're thinking it over, and they should have a response within six to eight weeks.

Cheney also said that when it comes to Afghanistan, Obama seems to be "afraid." Afraid? Isn't Cheney the one who was always hiding in an underground bunker?

MSNBC's Contessa Brewer made an embarrassing mistake on the air last week. She called Jesse Jackson, “Al Sharpton.” Even worse than that, after he told her, "I'm Jesse Jackson," she said, “Are you the one that is in between Jermaine and Tito?”

Conan

The ASPCA has now released a list of guidelines and tips if you’re going to dress your pet up in a costume for Halloween. The No. 1 tip is, “Get a life.”

It’s going to be the Yankees against the Phillies. The last time the New York Yankees and the Philadelphia Phillies played each other in the World Series was in 1950. To give you an idea of how long ago that was, Harry Truman was president, American troops were fighting in Korea, and Larry King was hosting “Larry King Live.”

President Obama has been criticized for only playing sports with other men, so yesterday he played golf with one of his top female advisers. Or as Fox News reported it, “Obama Plays a Round With Another Woman.”

Donald Trump’s daughter was married yesterday at one of her father’s golf courses, and she converted to Orthodox Judaism. Of course, as soon as she became Jewish, she was kicked off the golf course.

Late Show with David Letterman

The Yankees beat the Angels last night. What a celebration. After the game, the Yankees were so excited they doused each other with swine flu vaccine in the club house.

The Yankees are going to face the Phillies, and they have one of those bets. If the Yankees win, the get a Philly cheesesteak. If the Phillies win, they get a dead Mob snitch.

Donald Trump’s daughter, Ivanka, got married over the weekend. Trump’s a wealthy guy, so he hired Mayor Bloomberg to be the little guy on top of the cake.

Bloomberg’s the only mayor who was a jockey.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Northwest Airlines Pilot Excuses

10.
"Bunch of fat guys seated on right side of plane made us vector east"
9.
"We get paid by the hour"
8.
"MapQuest always takes you the long way"
7.
"Tired of that show-off Sullenberger getting all the attention"
6.
"You try steering one of those airplanes after eight or nine cocktails"
5.
"You try steering one of those airplanes after eight or nine cocktails"
4.
"Activating autopilot and making occasional P.A. announcements is exhausting"
3.
"According to our map, we only missed target by half-an-inch"
2.
"For a change, decided to send luggage to the right city and lose the passengers"
1.
"Thought we saw Balloon Boy"
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Happy birthday to Hillary Clinton. The president wished her happy birthday and asked her what she wanted, and she said, “Your job.”

Bill Clinton is planning a romantic dinner . . . then he’ll go home and see Hillary.

The movie "Paranormal Activity” is out. It’s movie where a couple puts a camcorder in their bedroom to film the things that go bump in the night . . . and also to see if anything happens with ghosts.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Rerun

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

President Obama just declared the swine flu outbreak a national emergency. First the swine flu’s a big threat, then it’s not, then it is. Make up your mind. This thing’s like the Brett Favre of infectious diseases.

The No. 1 movie at the box office this weekend was “Paranormal Activity.” It’s a low-budget horror film about a couple that sets up a camera in their bedroom at night. The horror comes when she keeps waking him up to talk about their relationship.

A woman in Malaysia got free air travel for life after she gave birth during a flight. I don't know, I don’t think you should be rewarded for having a baby on a plane. You should be rewarded for sitting next to someone having a baby on a plane.

In New York, a woman was charged with assault after spraying her cab driver with pepper spray. On the bright side, it was the closest thing the cabbie's had to a shower in months.

 
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