Wednesday Nov 17 2010

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Nancy Pelosi has now been elected the new House minority leader. She was smiling from ear to ear, which is pretty impressive considering how far her ears have been pulled back.

Sunday night was the debut of the reality show, “Sarah Palin’s Alaska.” It got huge ratings. Even people over in Russia were watching and they didn't need TVs. They could see it from their porch.

The new Oxford dictionary has declared Sarah Palin’s made-up word "refudiate" the 2010 word of the year. When asked for her reaction to the dubious honor, Palin said she would not “dignitate” it with a response.

If Rep. Charles Rangel is found guilty by the ethics committee, they said they could expel him, but experts say that is not likely. See, that would set a bad precedent in Washington, punishing the guilty.


Former President George W. Bush’s new memoir has already sold 800,000 copies. In other news, the new Bush presidential library just purchased its first 800,000 books.

In Saudi Arabia, officials cut access to Facebook because some of the content had “crossed the line.” Apparently the last straw was a Facebook game called “Rate the Ankles.”

Tourism experts say that Paris, France has a serious bedbug problem. When they heard about it, French people said it looks like 500 years of not showering has come back to literally bite us in the butt.

In Detroit, a man bought a Powerball ticket worth $128 million at an adult bookstore. See kids? Look what can happen when you turn off your fancy Internet and read books.

Late Show with David Letterman

Pickpockets are disappearing in New York City. Honestly, it’s just not my New York any more.

Now, if you want someone to reach into your pants, you have to go to the airport.

Charlie Sheen went through airport security and was patted down. After he was done, he said, “Do you take American Express?”

Happy birthday to Rep. John Boehner from Ohio. If you want to get him a present, you can’t go wrong with bronzer.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Highlights of the George W. Bush Library Groundbreaking

While digging, they found Obama's birth certificate
Read warm congratulatory note from Osama and Julie bin Laden
Displayed thousands of books Bush pretends to read
George arrived wearing a flight suit and piloting the Conan blimp
Dubya only had three shoes thrown at him
Dug up thousands of Gore ballots from 2000
Bush gave Halliburton $300 million check just for the hell of it
George correctly pronounced the word "nuclear" (it doesn't get any more groundbreaking than that)
After a few seconds of digging, Bush raised "Mission Accomplished" banner
Bush and Cheney celebrated the day with a long, passionate, open-mouth kiss
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

A lot of people love “Dancing With the Stars.” If I wanted to see a C-grade celebrity dancing badly, I’d look in the mirror.

A senior citizen was arrested after shooting his TV when Bristol Palin wasn’t kicked off of “Dancing With the Stars.” Come on, John McCain, it’s been two years. Get over it.

Los Angeles County has banned plastic bags. You know what this means. Randy Quaid has to find new shoes.

If you’re British, you may as well enjoy the royal wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton. You’re paying for it.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

National Unfriend Day is a day in which we say goodbye to those people on Facebook that we made the mistake of being friends with.

A guy was so upset with Bristol Palin on “Dancing With the Stars” that he shot his TV set with a shotgun. You would think a guy with a shotgun tucked between his couch cushions would be a Palin supporter.

He became upset when Brandy was eliminated and not only shot his TV, but threatened to shoot himself. He either really hates Bristol Palin or really loves the show “Moesha.”

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Tiger Woods joined Twitter today. That’s right, Tiger tweeted out that he has “finally decided to try out Twitter.” Tiger wanted to say more, but he had to give half of his 140 characters to Elin Nordegren.

Warner Brothers announced that it wants to remake “The Wizard of Oz.” This version is going to be totally updated for 2010. For instance, each of the flying monkeys has to be patted down and go through a body scanner before they can take off.

AAA is predicting that 42 million people will travel this year for Thanksgiving. Not only that — 30 million of them won’t be talking to each other by the time they reach their destination.

Alaska Sen. Lisa Murkowski said that she doesn’t think Sarah Palin enjoyed being governor. Palin was like, “That’s absurd. If I didn’t enjoy being governor, I would have just quit in the middle of my — nevermind.”

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