Thursday Nov 11 2010

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

We have an all-military audience today. A lot of these men and women have seen more action than Charlie Sheen.

They finally found a place to put the inmates from Guantanamo Bay: a Carnival cruise ship.

A Carnival cruise ship was stranded and had to be towed back to land. The ship had no electricity, no hot water, and no air conditioning. If they wanted that, they could have stayed in Mexico.

For two days, the ship drifted with no power, earning the nickname “the Democratic Party.”


You can catch me next fall on my new show on VH1, “Coning for Love.”

In a survey of 35 cities, Los Angeles ranked second-to-last in intelligence. Residents of L.A. were outraged after the report was slowly explained to them.

Britain’s Prince William is reportedly engaged to his long-time girlfriend. It’s a big step up from her previous status: peasant with benefits.

A man in Kentucky cut off another man’s beard and forced him to eat it during a fight. In a related story, I’m staying the heck out of Kentucky.

Late Show with David Letterman

Former President Bush said in an interview that he used to do stupid things when he was drunk. But who among us hasn’t had a couple drinks and invaded Iraq?

Former first lady Laura Bush used to be a librarian. Coincidentally, she’s the only thing George W. Bush ever checked out at the library.

Bush has been all over the talk show programs. He was on Rachael Ray this morning, waterboarding a veal cutlet.

Sarah Palin has a show about Alaska premiering Sunday. I was starting to worry that she’s underexposed.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Ways To Make The G20 Summit More Exciting

More exciting? Are you mad?
Change focus from global economy to movie and television trivia
Legalize helmet-to-helmet hits
No one allowed to speak until they've thrown back a couple of Jager shots, dude
More exciting? Are you mad? That joke was No. 10. Who checks these things?
Replace elegant buffet spread with tray of McRibs
Rename it OMG20
Bottomless cups of General Foods International Coffee
Strand world leaders on a Carnival Cruise liner 150 miles at sea
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Passengers on the stranded Carnival cruise ship had no power, no food, and no working bathrooms. It was like spending a week with Randy Quaid.

The ship was towed back into San Diego and the cruise line gave passengers a refund and tickets for another cruise. That’s like getting food poisoning at a restaurant and then being offered a doggy bag.

Jimmy Buffett has a cruise and he doesn’t even go on it. That’s like going to see Hootie & the Blowfish and just getting Blowfish.

I shouldn’t make fun of cruises because I’ll probably end up working on one.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

“Sesame Street” just turned 41 years old. Before “Sesame Street,” the only way kids could learn was from books.

Before the Muppets, our forefathers had to catch and gut possums to entertain their children.

The use of profanity on broadcast television is up 69 percent in the last few years. That should level off once Oprah steps down.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Travelers can now get flu shots at JFK Airport. That’s good, because whenever I see how things are run at an airport, my first thought is, “These people should be in charge of more stuff.”

A woman gave birth to a healthy baby girl in the back of a New York City cab this week. You could tell the woman wasn’t going to make it to the hospital. Her contractions started coming every $4.60.

China is expected to overtake the United States as the world’s biggest economy in the next two years. Americans couldn’t believe it. They were like “That hasn’t happened already?”

A kindergarten teacher in Florida was arrested for trafficking Oxycodone. Other teachers became suspicious when she had the only class in school with a six-hour naptime.

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