Wednesday Nov 10 2010
Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
President Obama is still out of the country but he's keeping in contact with Vice President Joe Biden to find out when it's safe to come back home.
Americans are stranded on a cruise ship for two days and they have to haul in 60,000 pounds of food. Meanwhile the Chilean miners were underground for 69 days with nothing but a can of tuna fish and they were fine.
Nancy Pelosi is throwing a party to celebrate her time as speaker of the House. If you would like to get her a gift, she's registered at Bed, Bath and Don't Blame Me.
I'm not sure what kind of a party it will be, but I think we can rule out a tea party.
Twenty-thousand Indonesians protested President Obama’s visit to Indonesia. Apparently, 3 out of 4 Indonesians believe he’s an American.
Amazon.com is under fire for selling a book about pedophilia. If you think that’s bad, you should see what Amazon says buyers of the book might also like.
NASA is working on a robot capable of running the International Space Station. It was reported in the Journal of Things That Could Never Possibly Go Wrong.
Late Show with David Letterman
This is the “Late Show,” the television equivalent of a stranded cruise ship.
According to a survey, New York City is the most stressful place to live. I was saying the same thing this morning to my bartender.
Mayor Bloomberg has now declared a war on soup and already, the crack dealers have switched to chowder.
George W. Bush says he is glad to be out of the Oval Office because he doesn’t have to think all the time. That was him thinking all the time?
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear While Stranded On A Cruise Ship
"You folks up for a 130-mile swim?"
"Psst, I've been stockpiling dinner mints in my pants"
"The Scurvy Support Group will meet at 11:00 a.m. on the promenade deck"
"Our best hope right now? Aquaman"
“Shecky and Leonard Maltin are fighting over the last piece of garlic bread"
"Tips are still appreciated"
"The Regis Philbin Lounge Show will go on as planned"
"Is that the Coast Guard or Somali pirates?"
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Travel + Leisure Magazine says L.A. is the worst city for friendliness and intelligence. All I have to say to that is, “Go to hell,” and “Uh . . . “
Andy Warhol’s painting of a Coke bottle sold for $34 million. They say it’s a great conversation piece but what kind of conversation is inspired by a giant painting of a Coke bottle? “Do you have a big painting of a glass with some ice?”
David Bowie wrote a song about Andy Warhol. I don’t think anyone ever wrote a song about me except Aerosmith’s “Dude Looks Like a Lady.”
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
A study of whales off the coast of Mexico suggests that the hole in the ozone layer is giving them sunburns. Imagine thousands of enormous George Hamiltons swimming around in the ocean.
Snoop Dogg, the rapper not the congressman, is hoping to open a chain of what he calls “snooper-markets.” Just because you can make your name into a pun doesn’t mean you have to build a business around it.
Former star of “The Bachelor,” Jake Pavelka, is back to flying planes for Delta Airlines. And his former fiancé Vienna is back to making little sausages.
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
I finally read former President Bush’s memoir, and I’ve got to say, the book was way better than the presidency.
JetBlue is appointing retired Gen. Stanley McChrystal to its board of directors. That’s who I want looking for my missing luggage — the guy who’s been trying to find bin Laden for 10 years.
The Pentagon says it doesn’t know who is responsible for launching a missile off the California coast on Monday. Meanwhile, Sasha and Malia can’t believe the awesome new video game they just found in the White House.
“Sesame Street” celebrated its 41st birthday. I don't want to say “Sesame Street” is getting old, but today it was brought to you by the letters E.D.