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Tuesday Nov 09 2010

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

President Obama was in India yesterday visiting our jobs. Tomorrow he goes to China to visit our money.

Republicans were complaining about the cost of Obama’s trip, and that he was staying at the Taj Mahal. It turns out he was actually staying at the Taj Mahal Express, by the airport.

Obama says India is one of our most important trading partners. We give them our jobs and they give us . . . Wait, what do we get?

The president’s trip was cut short due to volcanic ash. That’s the second time his plans have been disrupted by ash. The last time was when the Democrats went down in flames.

Conan

Now that we’re on the air, TBS can stop running promos for the show. Unfortunately, that leaves 18 hours of empty air time.

Former President George W. Bush was on “Oprah.” When asked about being the leader of the free world, Oprah said, “It’s not bad.”

Apple just launched its online store in China. Apple said this is an exciting opportunity to sell iPods to the kids who make them.

Late Show with David Letterman

According to a new poll, New York City gets low ratings for friendliness. Well, bite me.

We had a rough audience last night. We had to make them check their toner cartridges at the door.

President Obama went to India, South Korea, then Japan. He’s going to keep traveling until he finds his birth certificate.

Former President George W. Bush released a book. Unfortunately, because of his economic policies, no one can afford to buy it.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Dumb Guy Explanations For The Mystery Missile

10
The crazy balloon dad is back
9
Someone's birthday?
8
Whatever it is, Spider-Man will protect us
7
Is it a promotion for Applebee's new Mystery Missile value menu?
6
Don Rickles dropped his pants and fired a rocket
5
Birds
4
Don't ask me, ask the geniuses at Nassau
3
Has anyone seen the aerosol cheese?
2
Duh, how should I know? It's a mystery!
1
Oprah's sending everyone to Mars!
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

The Disney Channel canceled the Jonas Brothers’ TV show. Even worse, they had Goofy deliver the news.

It’s Carl Sagan’s birthday. I think Carl Sagan would have been proud of the way we continue to search for aliens. Except for you, Arizona.

I like it when politicians spend time where they grew up. During the Bush administration, Dick Cheney would often take trips back to the Death Star.

President Barack Obama used to be known as “Barry.” Barry doesn’t sound like a president, it sounds like a guy that gets drunk and throws up in the fish tank.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

President Obama is in Indonesia. I guess he won a trip on “Wheel of Fortune.”

One of Obama’s childhood friends said he was chubby and ran like a duck. I think that proves he’s not Kenyan. That’s as American as it gets.

Former President Bush was on “Oprah.” It was Oprah’s annual “Least Favorite Things” episode.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

President Obama said he spends a lot of time thinking about bringing back the eight million jobs we lost. And in his new book, George Bush says he spends a lot of time thinking about bringing back the show “Wings.”

A company in Seattle just came out with a new bacon-flavored soda. So if you love the taste of bacon and you love the taste of soda, you’re about to realize how much you love them separately.

The Kentucky Derby winner Mine That Bird may actually star in his own biopic. You know who else would be good in that role? Any horse.

 
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