Monday Nov 08 2010

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

President Obama is in India. You know what they say — go where the jobs are.

Obama’s in India for two days and Republicans are already accusing him of being a Hindu.

Nancy Pelosi says she will seek to become the House minority leader. Who better to be the minority leader than the person who led their party to become the minority.

Keith Olbermann was suspended from MSNBC for giving money to Democratic candidates. If only he had given his money to prostitutes, like Eliot Spitzer, he would have a primetime show on CNN.


People ask me why I named my new show “Conan.” I did it so I’d be harder to replace.

I just got the news that we’re already No. 1 in TBS’ key demographic: people that can’t afford HBO.

I have dreamed of being a talk show host on basic cable ever since I was 46.

It’s not easy doing a late night show on a channel without a lot of money, that viewers have trouble finding. That’s why I left NBC.

Late Show with David Letterman

Isn’t fall in New York City great? The colors are brown, gold, and orange. And that’s just John Boehner’s face.

Hillary Clinton says she will not run for president. Your move, Brett Favre.

When Hillary says she’s not running, is she really not running? Or just pulling a Leno?

In his new book, George W. Bush says he’s happy to be out of Washington. Well, it’s unanimous.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Hundreds of people in Washington, D.C. reported seeing a UFO today. Aliens, if you’re searching for intelligent life, you’ve got the wrong town.

Former president George W. Bush released his new memoir. By the way, “memoir” is just a fancy word for “a bunch of stuff that happened to me.”

Bush’s memoir is 512 pages. To be fair, 200 of those pages are just games and puzzles.

In the middle of the book is an Iraq maze which is pretty much impossible to get out of.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Some people question the need for daylight-saving time. But daylight is the only savings many people have right now.

One of the Chilean miners is known to be an Elvis impersonator. I’m guessing he was voted most likely to be eaten first.

The miner, Edison Pena, ran in the New York City marathon. Big deal, I finished two marathons yesterday — “Golden Girls” and “Roseanne.”

President Obama is touring Asia making trade deals. He signed a $10 billion pact with India, brokered a deal to make India part of the Security Council, and got a $15 late fee removed from his Visa card.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

In an interview with USA Today, George W. Bush said that he was “blindsided” by the financial crisis. Bush said he was also blindsided by the fact that he knew the word “blindsided.”

It’s rumored that Sally Field is going to be in the next “Spider-man” movie. This is the one where Spider-man fights his old nemesis, decreased bone density.

A new study found that kids who use the Internet right before bed are likely to suffer mood problems. And kids who don’t use the Internet right before bed are Amish.

Disney just signed a deal to build a Disneyland theme park in Shanghai. It’s just like ours, only in China, Goofy and Pluto are items at the concession stand.

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