Wednesday Nov 03 2010

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

All year long, the Democrats were telling people to “get out and vote.” Then people told the Democrats, “We voted, now get out!”

I loved how the different news networks covered the elections. On MSNBC, it was called "Election Night 2010: What Went Wrong?" At Fox News, it was "Election Night 2010: Party!"

Congratulations to the San Francisco Giants who won the World Series. People in San Francisco haven't been this excited since Lady Gaga's last album came out.

Police in India have arrested five people in an elephant smuggling ring. How bad is your airport security when you can’t catch people smuggling an elephant?

Late Show with David Letterman

You can tell it’s winter. The Democrats have gone into hibernation.

In Washington D.C., volunteers were washing the mud off Democrats and releasing them back into the wild.

Voters didn’t like how President Obama was handling the economy. Wait a minute — he was handling the economy?

Christine O’Donnell, after losing her election in Delaware, said “Our voices were heard.” In your head, lady.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Reasons I'm Glad To Be Named Justin Bieber

I really enjoy the look of disappointment when people first meet me
I got a free trip to New York City out of it
YouTube video of me mowing the lawn got 10 million hits
If I make an ass out of myself in public, he gets the blame
Last week, performed a sold-out arena show in Delaware and no one knew the difference
Reading all the fan mail from Letterman
I made 100 bucks selling some of my hair on eBay
Due to a mix-up at the post office, I'm the proud owner of a Teen Choice Award
Aside from the constant harassment, the fact that no one takes me seriously, and the sense of inadequacy compared to a wealthy 16-year-old, what's not to like?
I just thank God I'm not named Charlie Sheen
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Finally, the 2010 elections are over and we can get started on the campaign for 2012.

All of the election coverage was constantly being interrupted by the computers, updates, and text messages from Brett Favre.

The tea party needs to pick a tougher name. “Tea party” sounds like something I do with my ferrets every Sunday.

Christine O’Donnell lost her election by 20 percent. In a brief concession speech, she said “I’m melting.”

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Thousands of marijuana enthusiasts went to the polls this morning in California to support Prop 19. Unfortunately, the election was the day before.

Supporters of Prop 19 believed the new law would have raised billions of dollars in tax revenue and created thousands of jobs for people to be too stoned to show up to.

On the bright side, at least now there will be some leftovers at Thanksgiving.

If you want to find out how many of your Facebook friends are real friends, post an update that says you’re moving and you need help. The people that respond are your real friends.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

President Obama went on Ryan Seacrest’s radio show to talk about the state of the country. If you want to hear the whole interview, you can find it online. And if you just want highlights, talk to Seacrest — he has a salon that he swears by.

China started conducting its nationwide census this week. That’s right, parents will be required to list each child’s age, grade, and occupation.

Martin Sheen, the father of Charlie Sheen, is reportedly having a family intervention in Ireland. I’m sorry? They’re sending an alcoholic to Ireland? That’s like sending Lindsay Lohan to Bogota, Colombia.

I’m pretty sure an intervention in Ireland is where your loved ones all confront you and say you don’t drink enough.

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