Monday Nov 01 2010

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

I hope you all had a nice Halloween. How many are sick today from too much candy? How many are sick from too many political ads on TV?

Authorities believe those suspicious deliveries by UPS last week may have been a dry run for a terrorist plot — or a really smart move by FedEx.

Brett Favre had to be carted off the field this weekend after taking a hit that required ten stitches in his chin. And while they were at it, just to be on the safe side, the doctors also stitched up the front of his pants.

Late Show with David Letterman

Pontiac is out of business. If you want to see a Pontiac now, you have to go to Cuba — or to Jay Leno’s garage.

It was so sunny today, there were hookers coming out of the Plaza Hotel, squinting.

Charlie Sheen trashed his hotel room in New York City last week. You know you’re in trouble in the hotel room when you call housekeeping and FEMA shows up.

I ran out of candy on Halloween, and then realized I had some powdered milk left over from my Y2K bunker.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

The new Brazilian president is planning to visit the United States soon. A word of advice: Skip Arizona.

‘Twas the night before Election Day and all through the house, everyone was shouting crap at each other.

Republicans are saying, “It’s time for a change.” And Democrats are saying, “Stay the course.” And Charlie Sheen is saying, “Where are my pants?”

I don’t know what Christine O’Donnell stands for, but I’m a late night talk show host, I need her.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

No one came to my house to trick-or-treat. I think the moat might be scaring people away.

I have all this candy left at my house now. This morning, I had a Skittles omelet.

They premiered Justin Bieber’s new music video before a baseball game. If there’s anything that says “America’s national pastime,” it’s a Canadian teenage mop-head.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

The final poll before Election Day shows that 55 percent of Americans plan to vote for Republicans, while 40 percent plan to vote for Democrats. I guess Obama is finally going to get that change he was talking about.

It seems most experts are predicting that Republicans will win back the House tomorrow. When Americans heard that they were like, “Wait, we can win back our houses?”

President Obama sent out an e-mail encouraging his supporters to take at least three friends with them to vote. That's not how people vote — that's how women go to the bathroom.

The University of South Carolina will offer a new class devoted to Lady Gaga. Or you can just take your parents’ tuition money and flush it directly down the toilet.

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