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Wednesday Oct 28 2009

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Today is the first day of the World Series. Or as we call that in Los Angeles — Wednesday.

A 35-year-old Illinois man has admitted banking more than $470,000 in paychecks from a New Jersey company he never worked for. He completely defrauded them and took money. You know where this guy could end up? Serving six years on the AIG board of directors.

The latest on the Northwest pilots who overshot their destination is federal regulators have revoked their pilot licenses. They determined they acted far too "carelessly and recklessly" to transport passengers. And today Amtrak said, "We'll hire them."

According to today’s Wall Street Journal, the company that owns Virgin Airlines has applied to become a bank. They are called “Virgin Money.” That sounds kind of creepy. “Yeah, I opened up an account at Virgin Money. I switched from Puberty Mutual.”

Conan

One of the top-selling costumes this Halloween is a vampire version of President Obama called “Barakula.” Also very popular is the vampire version of former Vice President Dick Cheney called “Dick Cheney.”

A newspaper in Denver is planning to hire a critic to write reviews of all the medical marijuana clinics in the state. My one suggestion to the editors: Give the guy a deadline.

In Florida, a Home Depot employee was fired after he was spotted wearing a button that read “One Nation Under God.” It’s being called a landmark case because it’s the first time someone’s ever gone into a Home Depot and actually spotted an employee.

A Florida man accused of murder argued in court today that he was unable to commit the crime because he’s too fat. I think he may be telling the truth, because he was sworn in on a Ruby Tuesday menu.

Late Show with David Letterman

Big World Series game tonight. Michelle Obama and Jill Biden will be at the game tonight. They will be sitting right next to the two sleeping Northwest pilots.

The pilots, who took off from San Diego on their way to Minneapolis, somehow along the way, both dozed off. They overshot Minneapolis by 150 miles. But they’re saying they weren’t asleep — they were busy working on their laptops. Well, that makes us feel a lot better.

It’s gotten so scary, even terrorists are afraid to fly.

Think about this: 30,000 feet and your pilot is on YouTube watching a piano-playing cat.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Questions On The Northwest Airlines Pilot Job Application

10.
How many sleep hours have you logged while flying?
9.
Do you have any flight experience because if not, that's totally cool
8.
How many times have you safely landed a plane in a river?
7.
Are you at the controls of an airplane right now?
6.
Are you a cop?
5.
Do you have a good attorney?
4.
Name the jet engine that makes this sound: Pssshhhhhheeewwwwwww!
3.
Are you available for both take-offs and landings?
2.
Besides "using my laptop" and "having a heated conversation" what other lame excuses can you come up with for falling asleep in the cockpit and missing an airport by 150 miles?
1.
Are you drunk right now?
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

They’re giving out the swine flu vaccine according to a priority list: doctors, nurses, pregnant women, then children, regular people, cats, dogs, then Baldwins.

All the celebrities are trying to get the shot because they think there’s Botox in it.

They’re saying sneeze into your elbow to avoid spreading it. Square dances will be wiped out across America!

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Halloween is just days away. Halloween is not for me. Here in L.A., you take the kids trick-or-treating and you come home with a pumpkin full of Kaballah bracelets and sushi.

It’s been very windy here. It’s been so bad, people can barely get their medical marijuana lit.

It’s very unusual to see highs winds like these here. On my way in to work, three different actresses splattered across my windshield . . . two Olsens and a Flockhart.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

It’s been raining all day here in New York City. The visibility is so bad at LaGuardia, Northwest pilots can't even see their laptops.

First lady Michelle Obama and second lady Jill Biden were at game one of the World Series in New York tonight. They went because Michelle loves baseball, and Mrs. Biden loves getting out of the house.

The U.N. announced that it will start text messaging food vouchers to Iraqi refugees on their cell phones. You know, for all those people who can’t afford food but can afford cell phones.

A new study found that women’s faces age and wrinkle just like their mothers. The study was conducted by the American Society of Wrong Things to Say to Your Wife.

 
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