Monday Oct 25 2010

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

The man Dick Cheney shot in the face on that hunting trip like four years ago says that Cheney has never apologized. Hey pal, join the club. The rest of the country is way in front of you.

According to The New York Post, Eliot Spitzer's new show on CNN is having trouble booking guests. Well of course, they only pay scale. If you know anything about Eliot Spitzer’s past, he pays $5,000 an hour, usually.

According to a new L.A. Times poll in the gubernatorial race here in California, Jerry Brown now leads Meg Whitman 52 percent to 39 percent. She spent $163 million of her own money and she’s behind by 13 points. That's the biggest expenditure of money for a loss since the Yankees.

In his new autobiography, Keith Richards of The Rolling Stones says he loves a good high. Who could have guessed that?

Late Show with David Letterman

Randy Quaid and his wife were arrested in Canada. Still no word on Osama bin Laden, but we got the Quaids.

A woman who is tired of the pressure to get married is marrying herself. There’s just got to be someone for Jennifer Aniston.

The Catholic Church has announced six new saints. Among them are Father Andre, Sister Mary, and of course, Mrs. Regis Philbin.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Critics say “Paranormal Activity 2” is the scariest thing you’ll see all year. Unless you get a text message from Brett Favre.

Everyone is on strike in France, even the garbage men. There are huge piles of garbage rotting in the streets. It smells like Randy Quaid has moved in.

In Paris, they called in riot police. They’re no joke. They crack skulls with baguettes and they unleash fire hoses filled with soft cheese.

The reason for the strike is that the government wants to raise the retirement age to 62. Right now, it’s 27.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

The judges were raving about Bristol Palin on “Dancing With the Stars.” Her mother must have threatened to shoot someone.

Former President George W. Bush has a memoir coming out soon. Between this and Justin Bieber’s book, this could be the biggest year ever for literature.

Afghanistan’s President Hamid Karzai, backed by the U.S., has been receiving bags of cash from Iran. That’s a conflict of interest, I think.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Halloween is almost here and everyone is getting their costumes ready. This past weekend, I saw the New York Yankees pretending to be the Mets.

New York gubernatorial candidate Carl Paladino’s Facebook page was hacked and someone wrote offensive remarks in the captions of his pictures. The remarks were so crazy and offensive that Paladino was like, “Are you sure I didn’t write these?”

A 5-year-old boy and a 3-year-old girl in Syria are engaged. The parents are calling it “adorable” while the boy’s 6-year-old ex called it “pathetic.”

Oprah Winfrey, Meryl Streep, and Sandra Bullock are going to star in a new movie by “Sex and the City” director Michael Patrick King. Or, as girlfriends who were dragged to watch “Jackass 3D” call it, “Payback.”

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