Wednesday Oct 13 2010

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

The Nobel Prize for economics was awarded to three economists. Should we have even given one out this year? If there's one thing we've learned over the past two years, it's that there’s no such thing as an expert in economics.

The Obama administration had lifted the six-month ban on deepwater drilling in the Gulf of Mexico, provided that the oil companies follow the new safety regulations. For example, there has to be at least one sober person on the rig at all times.

Johnny Depp surprised some grade school kids when he showed up unannounced at their school dressed as a pirate. Let me tell you something, try showing up at a grade school unannounced dressed as a pirate and see what happens to you.

Late Show with David Letterman

They say the Chilean miners have been rescued from a subterranean hell. Have they not heard of the New York subway?

The rescued miners are in better shape than we are, and we’re only trapped here for an hour.

North Korea is getting a new evil dictator. Kim Jong Il is appointing his son, Kim Jong W. Il.

President Obama is trying to reconnect emotionally with his supporters. I gave up on that a long time ago.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Thoughts Going Through The Chilean Miners' Minds In The Rescue Capsule

"Will I be getting overtime?"
"Did I leave my keys in the mine?"
"I should get one of these capsules for the bedroom"
No No. 6 — writer watching Chilean mine rescue . . . Now that's crazy!
"This ride's taking forever — must be on the local!"
"I already miss that cramped mine smell"
"It's still roomier than flying Southwest”
"What the hell is wrong with Brett Favre?"
"I could have used a little more time away from the wife"
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Christine O’Donnell is trailing in the polls. She’ll need a miracle to win. Or a very good spell.

The debate was moderated by Wolf Blitzer. It got very heated. At one point, O’Donnell turned him into an actual wolf.

The Chilean miners were 2,000 feet below the earth. They were so far down, they saw the devil preparing for Justin Bieber.

Chile is long and thin and South American. It’s the supermodel of countries.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

I’m here tonight to rescue you from all the rescue coverage.

Sarah Palin and Rush Limbaugh are President Obama’s 10th cousins. Which means they are secret Muslims.

Lindsay Lohan was caught sneaking out of rehab to buy a soda. I’m guessing it was a Coke.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Bravo will premiere its newest reality show, “The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.” Although I think they should have gone with the original title, “People Who Should Get Stuck in a Mine.”

Because of budget cuts, police agencies across the U.S. are recruiting regular civilians to help them investigate crimes. Or as my dad put it, “Who’s laughing at my metal detector now?”

A woman in Virginia gave birth to a healthy boy from an embryo that was frozen for almost 20 years. You can spot him in the nursery because he’s the only baby wearing parachute pants.

A company in Pennsylvania made an armband that monitors your physical activity, counts how many calories you’ve burned, and then sends that information to your iPhone. That’s gotta be a little depressing. “Oh, I got a call. No, I’m just fat.”

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