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Thursday Oct 29 2009

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Washington Democrats unveiled their new 2,000-page healthcare reform bill today. It would guarantee health coverage for 96 percent of Americans. The other 4 percent would be given bus tickets to Canada.

A 66-year-old deputy U.S. attorney general in South Carolina named Roland Corning lost his job after police discovered him at a cemetery with an 18-year-old stripper, a bag of sex toys, and a bottle of Viagra. To be fair, people do grieve differently.

A motorist in Rhode Island was arrested by police after he hit a pedestrian, then drove with the guy sticking out of the windshield of his car. The guy is OK, though. His reason for doing it? He wanted to use the carpool lane.

A Home Depot in Florida fired a worker because he wore a button that said, "One Nation Under God." They said he couldn’t have the religious reference. I don’t know . . . at Home Depot and you hear “God” all the time — "for God sakes, does anyone work here?”

Conan

President Obama has approved a new plan to pay members of the Taliban to switch sides and support the United States. In a related story, 10 million unemployed Americans just joined the Taliban.

Police in Colorado say they may still arrest the father of the “balloon boy” – but right now they’re waiting because they need to gather more information. Because it’s tough to prosecute a case when you only have 53 million witnesses.

CNN’s Lou Dobbs recently had to call the police because someone fired shots at his home. Dobbs said he didn’t see or hear the shooter, but described him as Hispanic.

Former President George W. Bush is going to India tomorrow to give a speech. The speech will be entitled, “Hey, Which of You Snake-Charmers Is Gonna Fix My Computer?”

Late Show with David Letterman

Halloween is two days away. The kids love Halloween. They love to bob for apples. That’s a short trip to swine flu, right there.

Bobbing for apples, or as Dick Cheney calls it, “appleboarding.”

Sarah Palin’s got a new book coming out, “Going Rogue,” because who was more rogue than Sarah Palin. She was more rogue than Rambo.

She got a million dollars for the book. She’s got a sequel coming out — “Going Shopping.”

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Revelations In Chad Ochocinco's Autobiography

10.
The book is all about my life as a hockey mom from Alaska
9.
I was once put on the disabled list when they found an ocho in my cinco
8.
During the season my QB Carson Palmer and I sleep in bunk beds
7.
I'm going to ask Tom Hanks to play me in the movie
6.
There's nothing like winding down after a big game with a Red Bull and a DVR of "Tyra"
5.
I like tacos
4.
Brett Favre is so old, his social security number is 1
3.
Terrell Owens doesn't like it when you criticize his teammate
2.
I'm planning a special touchdown celebration that involves pulling a dancing raccoon out of my pants
1.
I thank the Lord every day I don't play for the Lions
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

In San Diego a burglar threw poop at the jurors during his trial. He got sentenced to 31 years. You know things are not going to end well when you start throwing feces at the jury.

This wasn’t his first crime — he had a mile-long crap sheet.

We should be fair, though. After all, he’s entitled to du-due process.

His lawyer was expecting a dung jury.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Rerun

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

After months of debate, a healthcare reform bill now exists! The new bill is called the Affordable Health Care for America Act.” The bill’s official title is actually HR-3692. 3692, of course, stands for the year they expect the bill to pass.

The bill is 1,990 pages long. To put that into words everyone can understand, that's like 5 million tweets.

In a new book, President Obama’s former campaign manager said that Bill Clinton ruined Hillary’s chances of becoming vice president. Hillary's very angry at him. In fact to punish him, she made him move from the couch to their bed.

CNN’s Lou Dobbs revealed on his radio show that shots were fired at his home three weeks ago. But good news — police have narrowed the list of suspects down to 50 million Latinos.

 
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