Jerry Brown’s staff spent the weekend coming up with their new campaign slogan: “Just say ho.”
The folks at Google are testing a car that drives itself, without a human. You thought it was bad when your computer crashed.
According to researchers at Ohio State University, sleeping with the light on may cause obesity. Especially if it's the refrigerator light.
The Chilean miners are being rescued and they think they’ll be out in time for the premiere of “Jackass 3D.”
This is the largest number of people trapped in a tiny space since the Octomom pregnancy.
The world is running out of helium. How will we know which house has the birthday party?
Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you’re trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you’re one president too late.
Top Ten Entries On Barack Obama’s Enemies List
Smug know-it-all at Apple Genius Bar
“General Hospital’s” Patrick for cheating on Robin with Lisa
Secretary who answers the phone, “Yell-o?”
“Late Show” audio technician Tom Herrmann
Those Chilean miners . . . You’re trapped, we get it
Online store that still hasn’t delivered his Captain Kirk chair
Anyone who doesn’t think “Glee” makes your spirit soar
Drugstores that don’t carry Topol, the smoker’s tooth polish
Late night talk show hosts who deliver lame top ten lists at his expense
Bastard who lost his birth certificate
The premiere of “Hawaii Five-0” was the most DVR-recorded program in history. That’s not bad, considering most CBS viewers think a DVR is a microwave.
Brett Favre has an elbow injury. The worst part is, it’s his texting elbow.
Direct marketing now uses text messages to excite people about their wares. Kind of like Brett Favre.
This show tonight is not being televised, but I haven’t told the studio audience. Their excitement is misplaced.
Justin Bieber’s auto-biography came out. Did anyone know that, for three years, he was a radical Muslim cleric?
For every copy sold, the Bieber family is donating $1 to “Bowl Cuts for Tots.”
The trapped miners in Chile are finally being rescued. One miner has a wife and mistress that found each other at the site. He’s asked to be rescued last.
There’s an elephant at a zoo in South Korea that says words in Korean. I can’t even say words in Korean.
There’s talk of turning the whole Chilean miners story into a movie. When he heard about it, Roman Polanski was like, "You had me at minors.”
Andy Rooney says he’s planning to lose 20 pounds by the end of the month. He's going to look weird without eyebrows, don't you think?
Google is investing in an offshore wind farm project that could provide electricity to 1.9 million homes on the East Coast. And not to be outdone, Yahoo just bought a brand new ceiling fan.
President Obama met with students in the Oval Office who have started their own businesses. Or, as those students are known on campus, "weed dealers.”