Oktoberfest is the time of year when Germans stop worshiping David Hasselhoff and start drinking like him.
President Obama has moved a 12-day tour of India and Asia to right after the November election. I can’t imagine why he would want to leave the country right after the midterm election.
Obama is going to tour India and Asia. I guess he wants to check up on American jobs.
The average American takes 5,000 steps per day, compared to the Swiss, who take 10,000 steps per day. Of course, most Hollywood celebrities can’t even finish taking 12 steps.
I call this “taxi driver weather” because there’s a small chance of showers.
A lot of people say the Nobel Prize is a good predictor for the Academy Awards.
Donald Trump is running for president. He’s not the kind of guy that would stage something like this for publicity.
I know it’s official because today, Trump threw his hair into the ring.
Top Ten Signs You'll Never Win A Nobel Prize
You've nicknamed your abdominal muscles
On application you misspelled "Nobel," "Prize," and "The"
You had to clarify your past by saying, "I'm not a witch"
Most of your "chemistry experiments" involve drinking large amounts of cold medicine
Locked your keys in your failed car bomb
You only get nominated for the less prestigious Daytime Nobel Prize
You read lame Top Ten lists for a living
At some point in your life, you've eaten a cheeseburger off a bathroom floor (video of David Hasselhoff)
The word most frequently used: "Uh . . . "
You once thought cocaine was gum
At a rally in Wisconsin, Joe Biden told the crowd they were the dullest audience he’d ever seen. You don’t do that. Just give them some candy.
They gave out the Nobel Prize for Literature, which is very exciting. It guarantees monster sales. Sorry, I’m thinking about Oprah, the Nobel Prize doesn’t mean anything.
The Prize for Literature went to the author Mario Vargas Llosa. That’s super, Mario.
Lady Gaga was ahead of House Speaker Nancy Pelosi on Forbes' list of the most powerful women in the world. I’m not saying Pelosi’s jealous, but today she showed up to work wearing a meat pantsuit.
Carl Paladino’s pit bull, Duke, bit another dog during a campaign stop this week. People who were there said he was growling, foaming at the mouth, and completely out of control. And so was his pit bull.
A US Airways flight was evacuated in Philadelphia today because a person without a security badge helped load the plane. People knew the guy didn't work at the airport . . . because he was actually doing work at the airport.
Charlie, a chimp in South Africa known for smoking cigarettes, has died at the age of 52. And I think you can probably guess what he died from. He drove his motorcycle off a cliff.