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Monday Oct 04 2010

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

The State Department has issued a travel warning. They’ve warned Rick Sanchez not to travel to Israel.

Rick Sanchez was fired after saying that Jews control the media on a satellite radio show. If he had said that on his show on CNN, he wouldn’t have gotten in trouble because no one would have heard it.

We’re now in the longest, deepest recession since the Great Depression. When this recession started, Lindsay Lohan was known for her acting.

President Obama says the Democrats are waking up. Which is great when you’re having a nightmare.

Late Show with David Letterman

They say Osama bin Laden is struggling to stay relevant. Welcome to the club.

In his latest audio tape, bin Laden is talking about global warming. If he thinks it’s hot now, wait until he gets to hell.

The Senate has decided to limit the volume of TV commercials. Who says Congress doesn’t get anything done?

Lindsay Lohan has been to rehab so many times, the cafeteria named a sandwich after her.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Rick Sanchez Excuses

10
"It's the damn bedbugs"
9
"Didn't think it was possible to get fired from a network no one watches"
8
"Just trying to get some publicity for my Twitter"
7
"Excuses for what?"
6
"Always wanted to go back to doing weather in Zanesville, Ohio"
5
"How come when Jackie Mason says the same thing, it's hilarious?"
4
"Trying to impress Mel Gibson"
3
"Wanted time off to watch Bruce Willis on Letterman"
2
"Accidentally took a handful of Larry King's heart pills"
1
"Hate-filled rant was an audition for Fox News"
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Research shows that the No. 1 place you can pick up infections from is a doorknob. That’s why I always lick doorknobs clean before using them.

One of the reasons it’s so hard to get rid of the rhinovirus is that it’s constantly evolving. Picture a germy Lady Gaga.

The best way to prevent a cold is to cover your mouth when you sneeze. I think that’s why the Tyrannosaurus Rex went extinct. Because its arms were very short.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Rerun

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

The White House has issued an alert for American tourists traveling in Europe over fears of a terror attack. But the joke’s on you, terrorists. We can't afford to go to Europe.

CBS reporter Howard Arenstein was arrested on Saturday for growing marijuana in his backyard. Which probably explains why all his news stories started with, “Dude, you’re not going to believe this!”

Hewlett-Packard’s new CEO, Leo Apotheker, just signed a three-year deal worth more than $50 million. It seems like a great deal now, but wait until he finds out how much the ink cartridges cost.

A new study found that almost 1 out of 10 Americans is depressed. Which, of course, just means 9 out of 10 Americans are annoying.

 
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